The proposed flag for the Great Republic of Penn Valley.
The proposed flag for the Great Republic of Penn Valley.

Penn Valley, CA — For the 14th consecutive year, the ardent conservative enclave of Penn Valley, CA has decided not to pursue secession from the United States, Gish Gallop learned early Monday morning. The Penn Valley activists hope to capture some of that “gold rush spirit” and not leave only California, as the fledgling State of Jefferson is trying to do, but also exit the United States of America and form a new nation.

“Look. Make no mistake,” said Penn Valley’s self-appointed spokesman Brock Whalen in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “We’re just not quite ready to do it now. Hopefully, we’ll be able to rise and seize our birthright and control of our bodily fluids again, but probably not until in 2016. Maybe 2017.”

According to local historians, activists in Penn Valley are attempting to capture the spirit of the 1850 Rough and Ready, CA succession from the United States by creating their own Republic headquartered on the shores of Lake Wildwood. Rough and Ready, CA is the only United States town to have seceded from the Union and formed the “Great Republic of Rough and Ready.”  Many of their 1850 complaints revolved around onerous government taxation and liquor prohibition. However after three months the new country then promptly voted itself back in.

“It’s been done before just a couple of miles from here,” continued a somewhat arrogant Brock Whalen. “We want to reclaim our mineral rights, our wells and our precious bodily fluids contaminated with fluoridation. All this at the hands of our taxation-obsessed, Muslim-run government. We want to be the freedom-loving Christians God intended us to be.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing what cause the delay, but people close to the Free Penn Valley movement suggest that the new State of Jefferson movement might have stolen the activists’ thunder. Some have also mentioned that the movement is too batshit crazy even for most reactionary elements of Penn Valley.

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