December, 2021

Christian “Terrorists” in Trouble for Illegal Chemtrailing

A group of Christian chemtrailers are in trouble with both civil and military aviation officials for using their aircraft to spread the "the divine Word of Christ."

Latest

Christian “Terrorists” in Trouble for Illegal Chemtrailing

A group of Christian chemtrailers are in trouble with both civil and military aviation officials for using their aircraft to spread the "the divine Word of Christ."

Easy Bake Oven Thwarted by LED Light Bulb

Warren Grant of Nevada City became agitated on Wednesday when his daughter's Christmas Gift, a "retro" Kenner Easy Bake Oven, failed to cook the small-batch cake mix.

Biden Offers Laid Off Coal Workers Betamax VCRs

The President's critics say this is another example of him being out of touch with average Americans.

Why I Should Be The Next Supreme Court Justice

There is a lot of controversy going on in our government about the next Supreme Court justice and who should be allowed to choose them. I have a simple solution, choose me.

Dalai Lama Finds Time to Relax with a Fidget Spinner

His holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, surprised audience members at this year's 7th Annual Ohio Spiritual Awakening Festival or OSAF when he mentioned that he used a fidget spinner to occasionally "relax and center himself after a hectic day."

Native Americans Build Wall Through Arlington National Cemetery

After being betrayed by the Federal government once again, a group of Native American activists are striking back.

Raptor Reviews: A Boy And His Dog, A Theory

Produced in November of 1975, adapted from a narrative written by Harlan Ellison, A Boy And His Dog is a decent film about well, a boy and his dog.

Penn Valley Woman Notices Grammatical Errors

Penn Valley, CA -- Mary Shilling of Penn Valley has...

Homoerotic Overtones Energize Donald Trump Rally

Psychologists who have been tracking the Trump campaign encourage his followers to release their repressed desires in more productive and healthier ways.

Headline And Featured Image Outshines Article

Penn Valley, CA -- A recent Nevada County Gish...

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Sam’s Club Discounts Apocalypse Gear

The Walton Family, owners of Wal-Mart and Sam's Club, has started selling "bug out" bags.

Must Read

DNA Test Reveals Trump Is A Descendant Of King Henry VIII

The cable news network CNN is reporting that President Trump is directly related to King Henry the VIII of England. The President received news today during his marathon morning television routine. According to those close to Mr. Trump, he had always assumed he was of Aryan heritage.

Trump Says Burned West Coast Trees Were “Asking for It”

An open mic caught the President speaking about trees.

Video Report: Source of Zika Virus Revealed

In this exclusive video obtained by Gish Gallop from an anonymous informant, the private "virus marketplace" called ATCC is preserving and selling the horrible virus which is being sponsored by the Rockefeller Foundation.

Local Bad Cop: Does Presumed Innocence Also Apply To Black Suspects?

Officer Michaels also hosts a popular conservative podcast called "Police Stating It" in which he delivers pro-cop and pro-conservative rants.

Nestle America to Grow California Almonds

Nestle America has announced plans to grow Almonds in the drought-stricken California Central Valley. The plan, which calls for snatching up land from farmers who have allowed their fields to go fallow, includes the purchase of over 6000 acres of usable acres. The multinational food corporation plans on using its delivery contracts not only to fill its plastic water bottles, but also to feed the water-hungry almond trees.

Native Americans to Build African-American Tuskegee Casino

Native Americans and African-Americans are joining forces to create the Nation's first African-American Casino in Tuskegee, Alabama. As first of its kind, it will be built and managed by United Auburn Indian Community, a Native American tribe consisting of mostly Miwuk and Maidu Indians indigenous to the Sacramento Valley region.

Jenny McCarthy To Promote Autism Awareness By Sleeping With 920 Men In One Day

Today McCarthy announced that she will have sex with 920 men in one day to take the world record for most sexual partners in one day. She plans to use the publicity to bring awareness to autism.

Trump Hopes His Men and Horses Can Fix a Bad Egg

While the wall on the Mexican border is anticipated by many to keep Americans safer, God Emperor Trump found out how perilous the wall can be for both people and Mexicans.

Bernie Sanders to Play Noam Chomsky in Upcoming Biopic

According to sources close to Bernie Sanders, the Senator of Vermont has agreed to portray MIT Linguist and Social Scientist Noam Chomsky in an upcoming biopic.

Bernie Sanders to Play Noam Chomsky in Upcoming Biopic

According to sources close to Bernie Sanders, the Senator of Vermont has agreed to portray MIT Linguist and Social Scientist Noam Chomsky in an upcoming biopic.

Helicopter Parents Repelled with Real Helicopters

Helicopter gunships from Beale Air Base were dispatched to quell an insurgent uprising of helicopter parents.

Denzel Washington to Play George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life Remake

Famed Hollywood actor Denzel Washington agreed to take on the iconic George Bailey.

Lifestyle

ANTIFA Space Force Plans Independence Day Raid on Humboldt County

Residents are advised to wear masks, however, due to confirmed law enforcement reports that Antifa Space Force will be utilizing aerial surveillance satellite footage

Queen Stuns Private Buckingham Palace Audience With 16 Minute Sitar Jam

According to reports from inside Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II of England surprised a private gathering today when she played 3 songs on the sitar.

Trump Buys Salads For Winning Women’s College Basketball Team

President Trump today offered salads to the "girls" basketball team from Syracuse.

Local Middle School to add 6 More “No Smoking” Signs

Area middle school administrators announced on Monday that they would be adding an additional 6 "No Smoking" signs on the campus to accompany the 8 that currently are being displayed on the campus.

Burger King Preps 60,000 Mexican Replacement Robots

Burger King Corporation announced today that it plans on replacing its foreign born workers in all of its 7400 restaurants with foreign-built robots.

Shocker: Paris Shooters Actually Christians

Paris police, in conjunction with Interpol, dropped a bombshell this morning. A manifesto uncovered during the investigation is now pointing investigators in a new, and unforeseen, direction.

Dove Releases Soap Dispenser Products For “Washing Your Asshole”

The United Kingdom-base Dove announced today a new line of soap dispenser products specifically designed to clean your butt hole. The new product, called Dove Real Clean, is targeted at the growing "anus grooming" market.

Business

Trump Offers Hillary Choice Of Cabinet Posts

Donald Trump, in an amazing act of bravado, offered Hillary Clinton her choice of cabinet posts once he wins the race to the White House.

Anti-Monsanto Activists Create Roundup Resistant Weeds

A group of environmental activists based out of Eugene, Oregon announced via Twitter that they have developed several species of weeds that are resistant to Monsanto's popular herbicide Roundup.

Condoleezza Rice Drops the “Dr” from Her Name

Condoleezza Rice insists her decision is a personal one, and not related to the recent news cycle.

Caltech Physicist: Rock N’ Roll Actually Euphemism For Fornication

According to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that the popular form of music known as 'Rock N' Roll' is really just a euphemism for fornication.

Trump Bans Thespians from Military Service

In another in a long line of "governing by tweets," President Trump announced early this morning via Twitter that Thespians have no place in the military and will be not allow to serve their country.

San Francisco Alt-Right Protest Canceled Due to Fears over Gay Activist DJs

 The leader of a right-wing group that had planned a Saturday rally at Crissy Field in San Francisco said Friday he had decided to call off the event due to fears of what organizers called "militant gay DJs."

Area Woman Excited About Receiving 6″-10″ This Week

Cedar Ridge resident and professional shopper Janet Williams updated her Facebook status today telling her friends that she's actually looking forward to receiving 6 to 10 inches this week.

Billions of Cantaloupe Seeds Unexpectedly Sprouting in Nation’s Landfills

According to USDA scientist Dr. Pamela Butler from the University of Kansas Cantaloupe Research Center, what may seem as an innocuous blooming has real impacts to the economy.

Penn Valley, CA Postpones Secession For Another Year

For the 14th consecutive year, the ardent conservative enclave of Penn Valley, CA has decided not to pursue secession from the United States.

State Mandate: Unvaccinated Children Required To Wear Armbands

The California State Department of Health and Human Services is piloting a new and some would say controversial program to require unvaccinated children to wear a special yellow armbands.

More Galloping

Gwyneth Paltrow Tells Followers to Shove Bono into Their Vaginas

In what some are calling an oddly appropriate announcement, American actress and alternative health entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow informed her 3 million Twitter followers that she recommends shoving Bono daily into their vaginas.

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

American Psycho III to Premiere in January

The much-anticipated sequel to the 2000 black comedy film American Psycho is slated to be released to United Stated audiences sometime after January 20th.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.