Living
Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans
"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.
Latest
Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line
Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.
Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring
An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.
Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope
During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.
Wikileaks Releases the Gay Agenda
Conservatives immediately called for a Congressional investigation.
Democrat Gay Communist CRT Trans Athlete from the Chinese part of Venezuela to Challenge Ron DeSantis in 2022
The re-elect Desantis campaign jumped into action only to find itself unable to attack the Chinese-Venezuelan athlete.
Hanes Trademarks OxyCotton
In what is raising more than a few eyebrows in the garment industry, Hanes Brands, the parent company of the popular line of Hanes undergarments has trademarked the phrase OxyCotton for its new line of mens and women's underwear.
News
FBI: Orange Skinned, Egomaniacal Terrorist Bombs NY Catholic Charity Dinner
Authorities this morning have fanned out across the nation looking for a man they describe as an "orange skinned egomaniacal terrorist" who they say assaulted the Al Smith Dinner. The FBI says they've been watching the suspect crisscross the country since last June, and that he has terrorized immigrants, Muslim Americans, and certain members of the media since last June.
Local News
Local Realtors Brawl Over Property Deal
The Nevada County Sheriff and EMT’s were summoned this afternoon to a south Nevada County home. 911 operators received a report of a domestic disturbance from the frantically distressed homeowners.
National News
CNN: Hillary Puts Huma Weiner In Charge Of Bill’sStaff
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in an effort to slow down the thunder of a new FBI investigation into her email server scandal has assigned longtime aide Huma Abedin Weiner to her husband's staff.
National News
CNN: Hillary Puts Huma Weiner In Charge Of Bill’sStaff
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in an effort to slow down the thunder of a new FBI investigation into her email server scandal has assigned longtime aide Huma Abedin Weiner to her husband's staff.
Popular
Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles
A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.
Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program
Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.
Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage
In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.
News
Reuters Video: Clinton, Trump Make Deal To Sink GOP
A stunning bombshell was dropped into the unhinged American presidential race today. Reuters Paris reporter, Belda Suave unearthed a video that sheds new light onto the election.
Must Read
Living
Eminem Accidentally Says N-Word at Rap Concert
Acclaimed and controversial Detroit-area rap artist Eminem caused quite a stir this past week after uttering the "N-Word" over 14 times during a recent performance in his home town.
National News
Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font
After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.
Local News
County Sheriff to Acquire Nation’s First Robocop
The Robocop program was joint project between the United States Department of Defense, the mega-corporation Omni Consumer Products (OCP) company and the city of Detroit who declined to implement their own creation.
Chemtrails
Native American Casino to Open in Downtown Nevada City
Despite a busy governing season which has included new ordinances on chemtrails, police politeness and most recently, strict new rules on business sign fonts, the City Council of Nevada City has given its blessing to the Nevada City Nisenan Rancheria to open a Native American gaming casino in the old Alpha Building on Broad Street.
Earth News
Ozzy Osbourne Only Slightly Killed by a Crazy Train Wreck
British rocker Ozzy Osbourne was run over by a train yesterday afternoon in Birmingham. The train was reported to have been acting a little crazy, as eyewitnesses reported that it seemed to be steering directly toward a distracted Osbourne.
Local News
Devastating Local Fire Halted by Militias and Doomsday Preppers
A fire which broke out earlier in Grass Valley - way too close to everybody - was extinguished thanks to a disciplined crew of anti-government types, according to some outspoken witnesses.
National News
Lassen County to Implement Quick-RegMuslim Registry System
Gish Gallop has learned that the Placer County government in response to President Trump's recent executive action banning Muslims from entering the United States as deployed the controversial Quick-Reg Muslim Registry System.
Art
Holden Caulfield Calls Coronavirus “Phony”
An Agerstown, Pennsylvania prep student doesn't believe a single word the authorities are telling him.
News
3 Million Children Scheduled to Vote in California
California has secretly registered over 3 million children to vote, a conservative watchdog group claims.
Chemtrails
Nevada County Celebrates Its 201st Consecutive Chemtrail-free Day
In what activists are calling "the great relief," a spokesperson for th Nevada County-based group called Look Up! proclaimed that yesterday marked the 201st day without the scourge of overhead chemtrail spraying of our local skies.
National News
Native Alaskans Demanding the Feds Change Columbus, Ohio to Aleut
After decades of Ohio Congressional Representatives blocking the name change of the United States' highest mountain from Mount McKinley to it rightful name of Denali, a group of Alaskan politicians is petitioning the Federal government to change Ohio's capital city from Columbus to Aleut.
News
Expecting Mom Sees Prince in Ultrasound
Expecting mother Aubrey Goodrow of Citrus Heights, CA swears she saw Prince in a routine ultrasound this morning.
Earth News
Trump Official: Nuclear War with North Korea May Lead to Nuclear War
According to Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Intelligence Oversight Michael T. Mahar, a nuclear war with North Korea may lead to nuclear war.
Lifestyle
Living
Area Man Misinterprets Wife’s Request for a Facial
Tustin, CA couple Carolyn and Jarrett Roush had an embarrassing misunderstanding.
Republican ‘Disappointed’ Obama Didn’t Mention Grabbing Guns In His DNC Speech
HOBART, ARKANSAS -- Even though he's a staunch conservative...
Bob’s Big Boy Arrested for Loitering
Big Boy claims he's a victim of a kidnapping. Area police claim something different.
Borg Accidentally Assimilate Charlie Sheen
Cheers rang out across the Federation yesterday as officials announced that the Borg had accidentally assimilated American actor Charlie Sheen into the collective.
God Claims Texas Freeze Punishment for Toll Roads
Conservative pundits immediately took to the airwaves to parse the Almighty's tweet.
Caregivers Reveal the Top 6 Real Things Dying People Say
Gish Gallop presents tales of the real things people say under stress just before the pass away.
After 20 Other Companies Pull Out, Planned Parenthood Offers to Sponsor “The O’Reilly Factorâ€
At the time of publication, twenty companies have stopped advertising on "The O'Reilly Factor," a Fox News commentary show hosted by one of the network's biggest stars, Bill O'Reilly.
Business
Music
Local Guitarist Accepts Demotion to Bass
A brave guitar player has agreed to "take one for the team."
National News
Patriot Group to Replace Lady Liberty with Robert E. Lee
A militia-patriot group announced that it will petition the government to replace the Statue of Liberty located in New York Harbor with a giant monument of Robert E. Lee, the Confederate General who commanded the Northern part of Virgina during the Civil War.
Art
Famous Satirist and Fake News Provocateur Paul Horner dead at 37
According to relatives close to Paul Horner, the famous satirist, fake news provocateur and anti-masturbation champion has died at the age of 37.
National News
Montana Man Becomes First to Win Staring Contest with Taxidermied Deer
A Montana man became the nation's first person to successfully stare down a taxidermied deer. Roger McKean of Columbia Falls, Montana was visiting a local notary to have an unnecessary permit notarized to keep Obama from taking his guns from in Dodge RAM 2500.
After a Long ‘is Typing’ Chat Status, Boss Responds with ‘OK’
After waiting over 5 minutes for his boss to respond to a pressing question, Banner Mountain work-from-home software contractor David L. Cook received a vague 'OK'.
Bernie Sanders Finally Chooses His Campaign Song [VIDEO]
The Sanders for President campaign has finally settled on a campaign song. Critics are unsure if it will be an effective ally for the campaign.
Study: Minecraft Causes Autism
A 2 year study conducted by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation and sponsored by the Family Research Council (FRC) has determined that the popular childhood game Minecraft might cause Autism.
Dilbert Seeks Restraining Order Against Creator Scott Adams
In a highly unusual move for a fictitious character, Dilbert requested a restraining order against his creator Scott Adams.
Country Duo Florida-Georgia Line To Marry
Florida-Georgia Line has shaken the country music world with news that they plan to wed each other. It will be Nashville's first married gay music artists. They revealed that their marriages to women were a sham and simply a cover up to hide the relationship.
Poll: Trump’s Education Agenda Results Are In
The Hart Research Associates conducted a poll for the American Federation of Teachers, a 1.5 million member union. The poll indicated that nearly half the people who said they voted for Trump oppose his agenda for education. Many voters are saying they will not likely re-elect their congressional representatives.
More Galloping
Food
Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line
Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.
Living
Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans
"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.
Popular
Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles
A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.
Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program
Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.
Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage
In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.
ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash
Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.
Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide
According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.
