August, 2022

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Latest

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope

During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Wikileaks Releases the Gay Agenda

Conservatives immediately called for a Congressional investigation.

Democrat Gay Communist CRT Trans Athlete from the Chinese part of Venezuela to Challenge Ron DeSantis in 2022

The re-elect Desantis campaign jumped into action only to find itself unable to attack the Chinese-Venezuelan athlete.

Hanes Trademarks OxyCotton

In what is raising more than a few eyebrows in the garment industry, Hanes Brands, the parent company of the popular line of Hanes undergarments has trademarked the phrase OxyCotton for its new line of mens and women's underwear.

FBI: Orange Skinned, Egomaniacal Terrorist Bombs NY Catholic Charity Dinner

Authorities this morning have fanned out across the nation looking for a man they describe as an "orange skinned egomaniacal terrorist" who they say assaulted the Al Smith Dinner. The FBI says they've been watching the suspect crisscross the country since last June, and that he has terrorized immigrants, Muslim Americans, and certain members of the media since last June.

Local Realtors Brawl Over Property Deal

The Nevada County Sheriff and EMT’s were summoned this afternoon to a south Nevada County home. 911 operators received a report of a domestic disturbance from the frantically distressed homeowners.

CNN: Hillary Puts Huma Weiner In Charge Of Bill’sStaff

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in an effort to slow down the thunder of a new FBI investigation into her email server scandal has assigned longtime aide Huma Abedin Weiner to her husband's staff.

CNN: Hillary Puts Huma Weiner In Charge Of Bill’sStaff

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton in an effort to slow down the thunder of a new FBI investigation into her email server scandal has assigned longtime aide Huma Abedin Weiner to her husband's staff.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Reuters Video: Clinton, Trump Make Deal To Sink GOP

A stunning bombshell was dropped into the unhinged American presidential race today. Reuters Paris reporter, Belda Suave unearthed a video that sheds new light onto the election.

Must Read

Eminem Accidentally Says N-Word at Rap Concert

Acclaimed and controversial Detroit-area rap artist Eminem caused quite a stir this past week after uttering the "N-Word" over 14 times during a recent performance in his home town.

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

County Sheriff to Acquire Nation’s First Robocop

The Robocop program was joint project between the United States Department of Defense, the mega-corporation Omni Consumer Products (OCP) company and the city of Detroit who declined to implement their own creation.

Native American Casino to Open in Downtown Nevada City

Despite a busy governing season which has included new ordinances on chemtrails, police politeness and most recently, strict new rules on business sign fonts, the City Council of Nevada City has given its blessing to the Nevada City Nisenan Rancheria to open a Native American gaming casino in the old Alpha Building on Broad Street.

Ozzy Osbourne Only Slightly Killed by a Crazy Train Wreck

British rocker Ozzy Osbourne was run over by a train yesterday afternoon in Birmingham. The train was reported to have been acting a little crazy, as eyewitnesses reported that it seemed to be steering directly toward a distracted Osbourne.

Devastating Local Fire Halted by Militias and Doomsday Preppers

A fire which broke out earlier in Grass Valley - way too close to everybody - was extinguished thanks to a disciplined crew of anti-government types, according to some outspoken witnesses.

Lassen County to Implement Quick-RegMuslim Registry System

Gish Gallop has learned that the Placer County government in response to President Trump's recent executive action banning Muslims from entering the United States as deployed the controversial Quick-Reg Muslim Registry System.

Holden Caulfield Calls Coronavirus “Phony”

An Agerstown, Pennsylvania prep student doesn't believe a single word the authorities are telling him.

3 Million Children Scheduled to Vote in California

California has secretly registered over 3 million children to vote, a conservative watchdog group claims.

Nevada County Celebrates Its 201st Consecutive Chemtrail-free Day

In what activists are calling "the great relief," a spokesperson for th Nevada County-based group called Look Up! proclaimed that yesterday marked the 201st day without the scourge of overhead chemtrail spraying of our local skies.

Native Alaskans Demanding the Feds Change Columbus, Ohio to Aleut

After decades of Ohio Congressional Representatives blocking the name change of the United States' highest mountain from Mount McKinley to it rightful name of Denali, a group of Alaskan politicians is petitioning the Federal government to change Ohio's capital city from Columbus to Aleut.

Expecting Mom Sees Prince in Ultrasound

Expecting mother Aubrey Goodrow of Citrus Heights, CA swears she saw Prince in a routine ultrasound this morning.

Trump Official: Nuclear War with North Korea May Lead to Nuclear War

According to Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Intelligence Oversight Michael T. Mahar, a nuclear war with North Korea may lead to nuclear war.

Lifestyle

Area Man Misinterprets Wife’s Request for a Facial

Tustin, CA couple Carolyn and Jarrett Roush had an embarrassing misunderstanding.

Republican ‘Disappointed’ Obama Didn’t Mention Grabbing Guns In His DNC Speech

HOBART, ARKANSAS -- Even though he's a staunch conservative...

Bob’s Big Boy Arrested for Loitering

Big Boy claims he's a victim of a kidnapping. Area police claim something different.

Borg Accidentally Assimilate Charlie Sheen

Cheers rang out across the Federation yesterday as officials announced that the Borg had accidentally assimilated American actor Charlie Sheen into the collective.

God Claims Texas Freeze Punishment for Toll Roads

Conservative pundits immediately took to the airwaves to parse the Almighty's tweet.

Caregivers Reveal the Top 6 Real Things Dying People Say

Gish Gallop presents tales of the real things people say under stress just before the pass away.

After 20 Other Companies Pull Out, Planned Parenthood Offers to Sponsor “The O’Reilly Factor”

At the time of publication, twenty companies have stopped advertising on "The O'Reilly Factor," a Fox News commentary show hosted by one of the network's biggest stars, Bill O'Reilly.

Business

Local Guitarist Accepts Demotion to Bass

A brave guitar player has agreed to "take one for the team."

Patriot Group to Replace Lady Liberty with Robert E. Lee

A militia-patriot group announced that it will petition the government to replace the Statue of Liberty located in New York Harbor with a giant monument of Robert E. Lee, the Confederate General who commanded the Northern part of Virgina during the Civil War.

Famous Satirist and Fake News Provocateur Paul Horner dead at 37

According to relatives close to Paul Horner, the famous satirist, fake news provocateur and anti-masturbation champion has died at the age of 37.

Montana Man Becomes First to Win Staring Contest with Taxidermied Deer

A Montana man became the nation's first person to successfully stare down a taxidermied deer. Roger McKean of Columbia Falls, Montana was visiting a local notary to have an unnecessary permit notarized to keep Obama from taking his guns from in Dodge RAM 2500.

After a Long ‘is Typing’ Chat Status, Boss Responds with ‘OK’

After waiting over 5 minutes for his boss to respond to a pressing question, Banner Mountain work-from-home software contractor David L. Cook received a vague 'OK'.

Bernie Sanders Finally Chooses His Campaign Song [VIDEO]

The Sanders for President campaign has finally settled on a campaign song. Critics are unsure if it will be an effective ally for the campaign.

Study: Minecraft Causes Autism

A 2 year study conducted by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation and sponsored by the Family Research Council (FRC) has determined that the popular childhood game Minecraft might cause Autism.

Dilbert Seeks Restraining Order Against Creator Scott Adams

In a highly unusual move for a fictitious character, Dilbert requested a restraining order against his creator Scott Adams.

Country Duo Florida-Georgia Line To Marry

Florida-Georgia Line has shaken the country music world with news that they plan to wed each other. It will be Nashville's first married gay music artists. They revealed that their marriages to women were a sham and simply a cover up to hide the relationship.

Poll: Trump’s Education Agenda Results Are In

The Hart Research Associates conducted a poll for the American Federation of Teachers, a 1.5 million member union. The poll indicated that nearly half the people who said they voted for Trump oppose his agenda for education. Many voters are saying they will not likely re-elect their congressional representatives.

More Galloping

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.