August, 2022

Mexican Cartels Using Drones to Traffic Children and Fentanyl

The drones are capable of carrying 54kgs (120lbs) of payload upwards of 20km (12.4 miles) from cartel bases within Mexico

Latest

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope

During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Wikileaks Releases the Gay Agenda

Conservatives immediately called for a Congressional investigation.

Democrat Gay Communist CRT Trans Athlete from the Chinese part of Venezuela to Challenge Ron DeSantis in 2022

The re-elect Desantis campaign jumped into action only to find itself unable to attack the Chinese-Venezuelan athlete.

The Epoch Times Buys The Babylon Bee in a Satire-free Transaction

The far-right newspaper The Epoch Times has purchases the French-reactionary publication the Babylon Bee.

Terminally Ill Man Makes Desperate Plea for Nudes

A Wisconsin native has issued a desperate plea for nudes after being diagnosed with Nanocephalic Aesthetic Receptor Daguerreotype Syndrome (NARDS), an extremely rare disease that affects the brain.

Area Woman Injured By Kmart Receipt Pile

Layaway has a new meaning for long time Grass Valley resident Millie Franks after she was nearly smothered under 27 lbs. of Kmart receipts on Saturday.

Expecting Mom Sees Prince in Ultrasound

Expecting mother Aubrey Goodrow of Citrus Heights, CA swears she saw Prince in a routine ultrasound this morning.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Herbalife Announces Yog-Sothoth as Spokesman

The Multi-Level Marketing company Herbalife announced that they have signed "Outter God" and cosmic all-seer Yog-Sothoth as their official media spokesman.

Must Read

Flat Earther Launches Rocket, Splatters on Basement Ceiling

In what appears to be a copycat attempt gone awry, 37-year-old Barstow, CA native Jeff Hughston's life almost came to an end this weekend when he attempted to launch his homemade, kerosene-powered rocket from his Mother's basement.

Area Man to Write Steinbeckian “Trimmigrant” Account of Nevada County

Nevada City burgeoning writer Roy Riffle recently announced to a small crowd of Millennials at Cafe Mekka that he intended to write the town’s equivalent John Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath called Buds of Wrath. Mr. Riffle has been talking with "trimmigrants" as they made their way through town looking for temporary work.

President Obama Calls Sharia Law “Not that bad”

In a startling reversal of official policy, President Obama said in a press conference today that Sharia law, the legal framework of Islam that defines much of daily life in some countries, is, "worth investigating before we judge."

Jesus Fights Godzilla in the Heavens

Not long after Jesus made an appearance over the skies of Nevada County, Godzilla, who is a giant monster awakened by the nuclear disaster in Japan's Fukushima Prefecture, challenged the leader of the world's largest religion to a "fight for the heavens" according to witnesses at the Higgins Corner Chevron station.

Spicy Tells All: Tiffany Trump Comes Out as Transgender, Triggers POTUS Military Ban

Tiffany Arianna Trump, 23-year-old daughter of U.S. President Donald J. Trump, revealed plans to become a man and join the army during a formal "coming out" ceremony with friends and family Tuesday night at the White House, former press secretary Sean Spicer said this morning.

GOP Congress Pledges to Sabotage Sanders Presidency

A growing number of independent voters are voicing their support for presidential candidate Bernie Sanders while simultaneously worrying that, if elected, Sanders will not see the high level of cooperation Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would.

Las Vegas Sports Books Post Odds On GOP Convention

Sports books around Las Vegas began posting odds today on various happenings for the GOP convention in Cleveland that begins on Monday. According to the casinos we spoke to, betting is surprisingly high considering a political convention is not a usual and customary feature in a sports book.

Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: George Kennedy, Dead at 91

George Kennedy, who won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in Cool Hand Luke, died Sunday in Boise, Idaho, according to the Idaho Statesman. He was 91. Kennedy’s film credits also included The Dirty Dozen, Airport! movies, a series of Naked Gun comedies and the disaster film Earthquake among many others.

Fleshlight Goes Unclaimed at Area Lost and Found

According to an area supermarket manager, no one has come forward to claim an abandoned Fleshlight which was found in the produce section last week. The popular adult toy was discovered by an employee last week on the floor near the organic lettuces.

President-Elect Trump Creates New Social Media Network

President-Elect Trump announced today that he will be launching a new social media network that he personally will moderate and administer.

6 Gish Gallop Life Hacks For Really Lazy People!

We all lead busy lives and it's tough to get stuff done. Here at Gish Gallop, we know how you feel and have created these 6 life-changing "hacks" or lifehacks to simply your life.

Country Duo Florida-Georgia Line To Marry

Florida-Georgia Line has shaken the country music world with news that they plan to wed each other. It will be Nashville's first married gay music artists. They revealed that their marriages to women were a sham and simply a cover up to hide the relationship.

Man Shoves Pencil In Eyeball

Mark Nostrom of Columbus, Ohio developed a twitch in his eye, a severe headache followed. His head ached with every word spoken by the native Fargo people.

Lifestyle

Local Success Guru Launches “How to be More Productive” Program on Facebook

Local success and productivity guru Mitch Freed of MitchFreedSuccess.com announced on a local Facebook group that he was holding a fee-based "How To Get Your Shit Together and Be More Productive" seminar at the Miners Foundry in Nevada City.

Researcher: Ann Arbor, Michigan Doesn’t Exist

North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that Ann Arbor, Michigan is an elaborate hoax and does not exist.

Chris Christie To Play Fat Bastard in Upcoming Austin Powers Film

Former New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has inked a deal with Lions Gate Entertainment to reprise his role as the less than lovable, Fat Bastard, in the upcoming Austin Powers prequel.

Area Feminist Petitions to Have Broad Street Renamed

Area community activist and former Sacramento State University feminist Sairhra Ramun of Nevada City has petitioned the city council to formally change the name of Broad Street to Nisenan Blvd. The move, which has been expected by acquaintances close to the activist, was inspired by recent unrest at several college campuses across the country.

Dalai Lama Finds Time to Relax with a Fidget Spinner

His holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, surprised audience members at this year's 7th Annual Ohio Spiritual Awakening Festival or OSAF when he mentioned that he used a fidget spinner to occasionally "relax and center himself after a hectic day."

Rush Limbaugh Confused Why He Hasn’t Evolved Into a Human Yet

Dr. Jane Goodall, famed anthropologist and gorilla expert, seemed to almost confirm that Limbaugh is indeed closer to primate than to human.

Business

Gish Gallop Review: Boomtown Famous Lobster Buffet

Like all buffets in casinos, there is a great deal of fanfare before one reaches the restaurant, which is typically buried in a obscure location within the bowels of the building. I have to admit, I was excited seeing all of the billboards on my approach.

Forget Pokémon, CannaCaching Is The New Big Thing

If you have been swept up in the Pokemon Go craze, you are going to love the new geocaching game that has swept northern California like wild fire.

Local Activists Propose Arming Deer Populations

Local animal rights advocates announced they are proceeding with a program to "give the animals a fighting chance" by arming them with semi-automatic rifles.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Vladamir Putin: Obama, Clinton And Americans Are Pussies

Russian president, Vladimir Putin, in an in-depth interview with CNN chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour that will air on the CNN networks just prior to the Republican and Democrat national conventions, had some harsh words for the American public and their leaders.

Bernie Sanders Considered for Upcoming Star Trek Series

Former Presidential contender Bernie Sanders is reportedly under consideration for a part in the upcoming Star Trek show. The yet-unnamed series is still in the early stages of development, but sources close to the project say creator Brian Fuller is watching the 2016 election closely.

Area Dickhead Says Guys Who Yell ‘Fake News’ on Facebook are Probably ‘Gay’

Local malcontent and self-proclaimed dickhead Don Vaca really hates people who state the obvious. Recently, while attempting to order a Starbucks drink at a local, privately-owned coffee shop, Mr. Vaca announced loudly to the crowded cafe that anyone who points out 'fake news' is probably a 'fag.'

Local Facebook Group To Post Only Admin Updates

After much consideration, the popular Facebook Group Nevada County Peeps announced this week to eliminate all discussions and replace it with admin post updates only. The move is seen as an important step in clamping down on "Internet trolls."

Devastating Local Fire Halted by Militias and Doomsday Preppers

A fire which broke out earlier in Grass Valley - way too close to everybody - was extinguished thanks to a disciplined crew of anti-government types, according to some outspoken witnesses.

Atlantis Found at the Bottom of Lake Tahoe

In an astonishing announcement that has thrown anthropology community into chaos, a group of archaeologists from Brigham Young and Southern Methodist Universities have discovered what appears to be Atlantis at the bottom of Lake Tahoe.

More Galloping

Amendment to California SB277 to Inject Patriotism into Anti-Vaxxers

Following what appears to be an implosion of the repeal California SB277 movement, two California State Senators plan on introducing legislation to add additional provisions to the controversial "personal belief exemption."

California Recommends Indoor Fireworks Celebrations

Local and county officials have asked the State to clarify its new mandate.

ISIS Spokesman: Terror Group ‘Really Grateful’ NRA Has Made Getting Guns So Easy

An unidentified Daesh fighter released a video on YouTube over the weekend praising The National Rifle Association for "making it super-duper easy-peasy to get firearms in America."

Online News Source Posts Article With Nothing But Headlines

Ellen and Portia's Holiday Card Pays Homage To Inspiring...

Dove Releases Soap Dispenser Products For “Washing Your Asshole”

The United Kingdom-base Dove announced today a new line of soap dispenser products specifically designed to clean your butt hole. The new product, called Dove Real Clean, is targeted at the growing "anus grooming" market.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.