November, 2021

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Latest

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Office Worker Unsure Why Cheeto Goes Uneaten

Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn't understand why no one will eat the last Cheetos® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten leading Mr. Underwood confused about what's wrong with it.

Black Friday Questioned by Police

Some police departments have expressed concerns over the recent trend of municipalities to treat Black Friday as deserving of a holiday.

Chemtrail Channeling Session Interrupted with Constant Farting

'ET' [Extraterrestrial] Channeler Darryl Anka was repeatedly interrupted by a series of loud farts from his channeled 'guest' Bashar at his recent appearance at the "Waking Universe-Open Mind" alternative wellness festival at the Red Lion Inn in Redding, California.

Gish Gallop Admits Error/Promises a ‘Non-Fake’ Future

he Nevada County Gish Gallop was recently called a “Fake News Site” on Wikipedia, a description recently attached to Gish Gallop by Snopes, the leading debunking source for people trying to determine if information is true.

The Media Tells the Media Not to Trust the Media

Over the past few months, the media has been blaming the media for all of the media's problems.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Soul Kitchen Closes, Saying Penn Valley Not a Good Fit

Penn Valley's Angel's Soul Kitchen restaurant is apparently dead on arrival. The newly-opened 'Soul Kitchen' felt obliged to shut its doors after only 24 minutes of operation. There may be hope, however.

Must Read

Charlie’s Angels Sequel Will Feature Gay Lead Cast

The critically-acclaimed action-film triple-threat team Charlie’s Angels from the year 2000 will be rebooted next Summer under a Netflix Original Film title, with one drastic modification to the image of the Angels.

Trump Suggests Retiring Federal Judges at 62

President Trump suggested on a call with the US Troops that he is going to lower the retirement age for Judges.

Amateur Astronomer Spots Giant Black Cube Near Moon

Local amateur cryptozoologist, paranormal investigator, SciFi Channel fan and amateur astronomer Keith Bradenshauer of Alta Sierra, CA swears he spotted an enormous "Black Cube" near the moon this past week on his Meade telescope.

Exclusive Interview With Time Traveler John Titor

Famous time traveler John Titor admitted in a recent interview that his warning of a dim and apocalyptic future, were fabricated in order to spice up what he said was a very boring and ordinary existence in 2036.

Bernie Sanders: I Will Make America Metric

Bernie Sanders announced to a crowd of over 14,000 people at a campaign stop at NYU in New York City that when he is elected President, his first executive action will include a plan to convert America's ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

Reuters: Cat Stevens Passing Not Related To The Clintons

Cat Stevens, also known as Yusuf Islam, also known as Steven Georgiou, is a British singer- songwriter, humanitarian, and activist. Most notably, he walked away from a productive music career to become a humanitarian voice.

ISIS Invades and Attacks Area Man’s Brain

Mr. Jason Dant, 32, informed his social network "friends" that he intends to enter into "battle" with these forces until liberty and the American Christian way has prevailed.

6G Frightens Even Wireless Companies

Leaked memos reveal that wireless providers are concerned about the upcoming 6G technology.

Enlightened Self-Interest Fails to Fill Area Pothole

A large Grass Valley pothole has gone unrepaired despite the claims of some neighbors that "enlightened self interest" would fix it

FDA Approves Vaccination Dart Guns for Schools

After several recent incidents involving school children who have put larger communities at risk, the Federal Drug and Food Administration (FDA) has approved Vaccination "Dart Guns" to inoculate unvaccinated children as they arrive at school.

Education Still Not Militarized Enough, Study Warns

A new study has revealed that college graduates haven't had enough exposure to business technologies and principles to prepare them for the soul-crushing, back-biting corporate workplace.

California to Fine for Recording in Portrait Mode

After an embittered battle that largely split down party lines, the California State legislature has voted to fine mobile phone users who take photographs in portrait mode as much as $47.00 per infraction.

Orlando Toddler Dyes In Hot Car

As if the city of Orlando hasn’t been challenged enough the last few days, what with a terrorist attack and a gator snatching a toddler from it’s family, now a third tragedy rears it’s ugly head.

Lifestyle

Man with Chlamydia Discovers What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas

A Kent, WA man has learned the hard way not to trust marketing slogans. 38 year old married father of 2 Jimmy Fostersen recently attended his company's annual convention in Las Vegas, Nevada.

American Sniper to be Made into a Lego Movie

In an expected announcement from Warner Brothers Pictures, the entertainment giant says it plans on producing a Lego version of its hugely popular, Clint Eastwood-directed film American Sniper. According to a Warner Brothers internal memo, after a long negotiation with Legos executives, the large media company was able to give them "an offer they couldn't refuse."

Trump Avoids Bad Press with New Underground White House Golf Course

A reporter for the Associated Press has come into possession of documentation indicating the extensive renovation work currently being carried out on the White House may include an unexpected alteration.

Nation’s First Dog Diagnosed with Autism

Phoebe, a 1-year-old Lhasa Apso from Grass Valley, CA, is the nation's first dog diagnosed with Autism.

World’s First Pregnant Man Has Abortion

A Santa Monica man has been the first male to have and abort a baby.

Bilderberg Group to Meet in Sierra City in 2020

The annual private meeting of North American and European elites known as the Bilderberg Group announced this week that they will be holding their annual conference at Herrington's Sierra Pines Resort in May of 2019.

Confederate Memorial Day Celebration Leads to Several Arrests

The leader of a Stone Mountain, GA pro-Confederacy group was arrested following an altertication with protesters.

Business

Man Rescues Alpaca from Locked Hot Car

A Penn Valley man has come to the rescue of an alpaca that was locked in a car at Bridgeport on Friday. The alpaca was located in a 2002 Chrysler Minivan in the parking lot while it's owner, Tony Corning of Marysville, CA, lounged along the banks of the Yuba River.

Clintons Blasted By South Carolina ASPCA

A major gaffe on the part of Hillary and Bill Clinton has the entire state of South Carolina and the DNC buzzing. At a $10,000 per plate dinner at the affluent Myrtle Beach Dog Breeders Association, Bill and Hillary dropped a faux pas of epic proportion.

Pat Robertson Blames Burning Man For Hurricanes

Many of Robertson's loyal supporters have come to his defense, including Laura Swanson, she said, "those people have a one way ticket to hell with all of their fornicating and drug use."

Donald Trump: I Will Make America Metric Again

Donald Trump announced to a crowd of over 12,000 people at an Ohio rally that as a part of his new infrastructure plan, he will sign an executive action which will include a plan to convert America's ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

Deep State Claims Jeffrey Epstein is QAnon

A leaked document sheds new light on who the mysterious QAnon or 'Q' might be.

The Cowardly Lion Killed By Trophy Hunters

Sad news broke today that beloved childhood character, The Cowardly Lion, was killed to day by sport trophy hunters. The Cowardly Lion was best known for his role in "The Wizard Of Oz", filmed in 1939.

Area Man Advised to Double Bag Deceased Cat

A Grass Valley resident is still grieving after discovering his beloved cat was caught under the wheel well of his Buick LeSabre and dragged for three city blocks.

Religious Groups Celebrate The End of Black Sabbath

As the final ear-bleeding refrains of Paranoid came to a close at Birmingham’s Genting Arena, Christians around the world breathed a collective sigh of relief. After nearly a half century of turning America’s youth onto the occult, heavy drug use and sexual perversion, it finally signaled The End of Black Sabbath.

SNL Producer Lorne Michaels Deported To Canada

Creator and Producer of Saturday Night Live Lorne Michaels has reportedly been deported back to his native country of Canada. Mr. Michaels was seized by immigration officials early Sunday morning from his Amagansett, New York home without any forewarning.

WHO Denies COVID Treatment to the USA

The WHO says it would be open in the future to discuss sharing its treatment.

More Galloping

Gish Gallop Review: Finnegans Wake is an Impenetrable Piece of Crap

What's the difference between a pile of dog crap and Finnegan's Wake? You can avoid the dog crap by walking around it. I have to read and review Finnegan's Wake.

Misc. Crap for Sale in Cedar Ridge

Really just a bunch of crap to put with your existing crap

Brief: Prostitution Ring Discovered In Hot Locked Car

According to authorities, the prostitution ring was being operated out of a Chrysler Minivan.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.