November, 2021

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

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Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Office Worker Unsure Why Cheeto Goes Uneaten

Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn't understand why no one will eat the last Cheetos® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten leading Mr. Underwood confused about what's wrong with it.

Black Friday Questioned by Police

Some police departments have expressed concerns over the recent trend of municipalities to treat Black Friday as deserving of a holiday.

Putin Sends Trump Special Necklace With Leash To Commemorate His Inauguration

President-Elect Donald Trump is just a little over a week away from becoming the 45th President of the United States of America. When he is sworn in, he will be wearing a special piece of jewelry, sent to him by Russian President Vladimir Putin.

FDA/USDA to Announce New Carbohydrate Food Labeling

he United States Department of Agriculture is abandoning its current metric food labeling system and replacing it with a new measurement system most Americans seem to understand: a 12 oz Coca-Cola can.

Area Man Surrenders after Barricading Himself Inside Tiny Home

A man wanted on multiple warrants surrendered peacefully nearly eight hours after barricading himself inside his tiny home Friday.

1990’s Era Stand-Up Comic Dusting Off His ‘Bill Clinton Likes Pussy’ Material

VAN NUYS, CALIFORNIA -- You might not remember Clint...

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Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

North San Juan to String Beer Bottle Lights

In a bid to outdo Nevada City and "beat them to the punch," community organizers in the rough and tumble little town of North San Juan are installing homemade street lights made out of old, dirty beer bottles.

Must Read

Trump & Fox News Recreates Live Nativity Scene Outside NY Times

In counterstrike against the war on Christmas, the incoming Donald Trump Administration has teamed up with Fox News for a first-of-its-kind holiday "protest" against the New York Times.

Spontaneous Flash Mob Breaks Out in Grocery Outlet

In a rare, but not unprecedented event, a flash mob spontaneously broke out late Wednesday afternoon inside of the Grass Valley, CA Grocery Outlet grocery store. Patrons both inside and out joined in the free-for-all melee and danced with mad abandon.

AT&T Wireless: Get Less Brain Cancer With Us

AT&T Mobility along with its recent television provider DirecTV released a statement announcing that their service has lower rates of cancer than leading competitor Verizon Wireless.

Area Minivan with Missing Hubcap Seen Driving Erratically

Grass Valley mother of 4 and 1994 Chrysler Town and Country Minivan owner Mindy Alters was witnessed driving somewhat erratically Sunday afternoon on Brunswick Road. She was seen recklessly entering traffic from the Safeway parking lot, nearly striking a 2011 Toyota Prius.

Clintons Blasted By South Carolina ASPCA

A major gaffe on the part of Hillary and Bill Clinton has the entire state of South Carolina and the DNC buzzing. At a $10,000 per plate dinner at the affluent Myrtle Beach Dog Breeders Association, Bill and Hillary dropped a faux pas of epic proportion.

Seattle Technology Firm To ‘Bar Code’ Employees

According to employees at an area electronics supply store, the management at Plugs Electric Warehouse announced plans to 'bar code' staff as a way to improve "operational efficiencies."

Area Musician Draws Inspiration from Chemtrails

Area musician David Robock used to cite an eclectic mix of influences while he was still cutting his teeth on the local club circuit. Bands like Megadeth, Smashing Pumpkins, and solo artists like Prince and Merle Haggard were a constant source of inspiration.

Shocker: Andy Borowitz Accepts Trump Speech Writing Position

Shock waves spread through the comedy word over the weekend when popular satirist and former fake news writer Andy Borowitz announced that he was accepting a position on the Trump team as a speech writer.

Thousands Show Up to Watch Area Woman’s Birth

Bridget Doggins created a public Facebook event announcing the home birth of her third child. Over 12,099 people from around the United States said they were going to attend and over 1000 showed up to watch.

Sanders Gets Real with Colorado Constituents

On a routine campaign stop in the Colorado college town of Boulder, Presidential Hopeful Bernie Sanders decided that he needed to "get real" with some of his younger potential voters by revealing his life-long admiration for all things Rastafari.

What The Zuck? Musk Mulls Buying And Deleting Facebook

Tech titan Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk clarified he did so because Facebook gives him “the willies.

Fox News: Trump Wins 600 Races Nationwide as Write-In Candidate

President Donald Trump, after making the midterm elections about him, proceeded to win over 600 races across the country.

Zuckerberg to Put Select Facebook Groups on a “Time Out”

Facebook announced on Wednesday that it will put several Nevada County Facebook Groups on a "time out" until they can get their histrionic behavior under control.

Lifestyle

Elementary School To Create Gender-Neutral Restrooms

The controversial debate has now hit home right here in Nevada County. Sierra Charter Elementary School has agreed to pilot the country's first "transgender restroom program."

Sandy Hook Crisis Actor Disappears in Prison

An inmate at the co-ed Saint Applewhite Prison has gone missing, leaving officials laughing and explaining that she probably never existed in the first place.

Local Art Theater to Feature Bidet Seating

Nevada City's Magic Theater announced today that it has installed the world's first "bidet-style seating" to accommodate popular "eliminate now" trend.

Millennials Start Revolution With Safety Pin Attack On Wealthy Neighborhood

Many people are un-happy about the election of Donald Trump as our next President. It has really taken a toll on young Millennials who were forced in to their safe spaces the day after the election to escape the new reality. But now, days after the election, Millennials are calling for revolution in our country.

Job Seeker Uses Snapchat During Job Interview

Local job-seeking Millennial Deborah Williams failed to land a job at a high-profile digital video company Tuesday after she insisted on answering the interviewer's questions with Snapchat pictures.

Area Resident Suspects Dell Tech Support’s Name is not “Wayne Dean”

Mary L. Retton of Rough 'N Ready recently purchased a Dell desktop computer at the Staples store in Grass Valley. The sales price was a bargain and the computer came with the latest version of the Microsoft Windows operating system.

Trump Campaign Files For Chapter 11

According to several news outlets, the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign is in deep financial trouble. Now anonymous sources with Team Trump are signaling that the alleged billionaire will be instructing his staff to prepare Chapter 11 bankruptcy filings for the campaign operation.

Business

Donald Trump: I Will Make America Metric Again

Donald Trump announced to a crowd of over 12,000 people at an Ohio rally that as a part of his new infrastructure plan, he will sign an executive action which will include a plan to convert America's ancient imperial measures and units to the metric system.

Coronavirus Detected in Congress/Public OK With That

The deadly coronavirus has found its way to Washington D.C. and the public is generally OK with that.

US Synchronized Swim Team Robbed at Gunpoint, Gold Medals Stolen

Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - Team USA has been...

Army Corps Of Engineers To Install All-Seeing Eye On Top Of Trump Tower

President-Elect Donald Trump has enlisted the Army Corps of Engineers to install a new, "all seeing, all powerful eye" on top of Trump Tower.

Tax Firm To Offer Free Porn While You Wait

Simon Tax Specialists has come up with a perfect program for those of us that suffer during tax season. Simon is now offering free porn while you wait for your taxes to be completed.

J.J. Abrams Apologizes For Using ISIS As Star Wars Extras

Acclaimed director, producer and writer J.J. Abrams issued an apology to fans of the recent Star Wars installment The Force Awakens for using ISIS members as a part of the film's extras.

Spicy Tells All: Tiffany Trump Comes Out as Transgender, Triggers POTUS Military Ban

Tiffany Arianna Trump, 23-year-old daughter of U.S. President Donald J. Trump, revealed plans to become a man and join the army during a formal "coming out" ceremony with friends and family Tuesday night at the White House, former press secretary Sean Spicer said this morning.

Sandy Hook Truther Celebrates 4 Year Anniversary Of Being A Complete Douchebag

  PALUMBO, MISSISSIPPI -- Rufus Cornelius Maxwell celebrated what he...

Study: Bacon Can Prevent Heart Attacks

A longitudinal study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation sponsored by the Bacon Processors of America or BPA has suggested that eating as much as 1lb of cured, processed bacon per day might prevent a heart attack.

Herbalife Announces Yog-Sothoth as Spokesman

The Multi-Level Marketing company Herbalife announced that they have signed "Outter God" and cosmic all-seer Yog-Sothoth as their official media spokesman.

More Galloping

Mystery: Which Jim Hemigsi is the Real Jim Hemigsi?

In our routine Gish Gallop searches Jim Hemigsi, we were startled to find that the publisher of the 150 year old Union Newspaper has as many as two, maybe three identities.

How to Make Fucking Refried Beans, by Loretta Splitair

Your parenting guilt is easily fixed with the following recipe that not only your children will love, but it makes a kick-ass pot of refried beans.

Confirmed: Second UFO Spotted Over Nevada County

Another pilot has come forward with photograph revealing a second Unidentified Flying Object or UFO over Nevada County.

North Korean Leader Upset American Sniper Not About Him

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In a bizarre press release...

Rival Deer Found in Grass Valley Front Yard

Grass Valley, CA -- This morning a local reader...

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.