August, 2022

Mexican Cartels Using Drones to Traffic Children and Fentanyl

The drones are capable of carrying 54kgs (120lbs) of payload upwards of 20km (12.4 miles) from cartel bases within Mexico

Latest

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

Corporate Stock Buy Backs Allow Chipotle Worker to Continue to Live Just Above the Poverty Line

Denise Hancock announced to her fellow Chipotle workers that she's excited about the almost 1 trillion dollars worth of corporate stock buy-backs.

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says Nope

During a late-night prayer session, Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Wikileaks Releases the Gay Agenda

Conservatives immediately called for a Congressional investigation.

Democrat Gay Communist CRT Trans Athlete from the Chinese part of Venezuela to Challenge Ron DeSantis in 2022

The re-elect Desantis campaign jumped into action only to find itself unable to attack the Chinese-Venezuelan athlete.

Study: Farting Burns 42 Calories

A four year study conducted by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation in conjunction with the Federal Food and Drug Administration has found that farting burns an average of 42 calories per incident.

DAPL Protesters Return to Find Oil Drilling on Local Lake

Nevada County activists who recently returned from Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) protests in South Dakota where shocked to find out that in their absence, multi-national conglomerate Energy Transfer Partners (ETP) had started oil exploration on Lake Spaulding.

SNL Producer Lorne Michaels Deported To Canada

Creator and Producer of Saturday Night Live Lorne Michaels has reportedly been deported back to his native country of Canada. Mr. Michaels was seized by immigration officials early Sunday morning from his Amagansett, New York home without any forewarning.

Road Safety Experts Concerned About New Costco-sized Delivery Trucks

According to several road safety experts, the new Costco-sized delivery trucks are dangerous.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Sinead O’Connor: Transgender is an Illness

Irish music artist Sinead O'Connor, known for her hit 1990 arrangement of the Prince song "Nothing Compares 2 U," has come out against transgender people.

Must Read

White House Promotes ‘Single Prayer Health Care’

The White House is promoting a new 'faith-based' health care system that would repeal and replace Barack Obama's signature health care law with the power of prayer.

San Francisco Harvests Human Feces for Building Materials

San Francisco with the help of Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff created a revolutionary new process to deal with the City's homeless problem.

Biden Gun Confiscation Unit Spotted In Texas

Biden has revived the Obama-era program.

Border Prayer Rugs Blamed on Fake El Paso Flea Market

Border immigration and DEA officials now admit that prayer rugs found at the Mexican border were apart of an elaborate prank.

Sports World Baffled by Cam Newton’s Bad Mood

  San Francisco, CA The NFL's Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam...

Local Militia Plans To Use New Cell Tower To Stop Rioting

Penn Valley's Jason Dant says his local militia will stake out a space on Grass Valley's new cell phone tower to prevent "libtards" from taking over America.

Local Fur Shop Solves Bear Invasion Issue/Creates Bear Boxing

After the successful planning phase of the Dollar Fur Store which will be located at the foot of Broad Street, Roseville, CA developer Jackson-Pilfer properties has solved the recent "bear/drought" crisis by creating a 19 foot round sinkhole at the intersections of Broad and Pine Streets, and filling it with delicious crepes.

Elvis’ Last Turd Goes On the Auction Block

Darrel Kent of Wichita, Kansas is going to auction off his authentic Elvis turd.

New Sacramento Sports Complex to be Named “Sleep Apnea Arena”

After a competitive battle between the top mattress seller on the West Coast, Sleep Train, and the American Sleep Apnea Association (ASAA), the ASAA has won naming rights to the new Natomas Sacramento Sports complex.

President Obama to Celebrate Halloween as Michelle

The president of the free world will celebrate Halloween this year by dressing up as his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama. The move, which surprised both his critics and supporters, was a last-minute decision and the White House wanted to make it clear that the President was not trying to make some kind of "political statement."

Take Control: Rocker John Gallagher Announces Run for President

Gish Gallop has learned that John Gallagher, the lead singer and bass player for the heavy metal band Raven announced that he is seeking an independent run for President of the United States.

Several Kids Dead After a Good Guy With a Gun Sleeps In

Wilburn Marvin accidentally overslept this morning, missing his chance to save hundreds of people from an active shooter situation.

Republican Angry That Civil War Reenactor Who Played Abe Lincoln Not Actually Honest Abe

HOBART, ARKANSAS -- Clem O'Connell is furious, and he's...

Lifestyle

The MLA and APA In Epic Battle Over Coronavirus Style Guides

The two influential organizations are locked in an epic battle over how best to cite the novel coronavirus, also known as COVID-19.

SNOPES.COM Forced to Debunk Film ‘Groundhog Day’

The popular debunking website which describes itself as having all "latest rumors, urban legends, myths and misinformation gathered together in one nifty list," was forced this week to demonstrate that the 1990s film Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray was in fact FALSE.

Jim Morrison Found Alive In Paris Assisted Living Facility

According to Reuters and the Associated Press International, James Douglas Morrison, the lead singer of the rock group, “The Doors,” is alive in a Paris retirement home.

Area Woman Confounded by Roundabout

Mary Shilling of Penn Valley became confounded Sunday afternoon after a run-in with Grass Valley's roundabout.

Report: Donald Trump’s Twitter Run By Angry Orangutan With Tourette Syndrome

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The Donald Trump presidential...

Secret Ukrainian Ledger Shows 2015 Purchase Of 300-Pound, Angry Gorilla From Bronx Zoo

The Ukrainian source says that according to the ledger entry, whoever purchased this particular gorilla wanted "the dumbest one possible."

VA Creates Death Squads To Lower Healthcare Costs

The Veterans Administration or the VA takes care of medical needs of millions of veterans each year, many who have sustained injuries in combat. At a time when budgets are shrinking, VA costs are adding up at alarming rates.

Business

Gary Larson Signs Exclusive 27 Year Deal with Gish Gallop

The Far Side -- On the heels of recent...

NASCAR Drivers Allowed To Use Service Animals

The National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing or NASCAR announced early this week that it plans to allow service animals in select races in 2018 and on every race by 2020.

Local Paper Concerned About Fate of George Soros Grants

The 92 year old Nevada County Gish Gallop revealed today that it is concerned about the interruption of one of its primary revenue streams being interrupted after Donald Trump becomes the 45th President of the United States later this week.

Area Woman to Sell Tin Foil Hats on Etsy.com

Like many others in Nevada County, Merrilee Longshoes is concerned about her family’s health, and how it is being negatively impacted by electromagnetic radiation. EMR is generated by all wireless devices, including cell phone towers, smart phones, microwave ovens, and PG&E’s smart meters.

Theo Huxtable To Replace Cosby As Jell-O Spokesman

Kraft Foods, makers of the popular gelatin dessert food thing Jell-O announced on Friday that it would be replacing long-time spokesman Bill Cosby with former Cosby Show son Theo Huxtable.

Native Americans to Build African-American Tuskegee Casino

Native Americans and African-Americans are joining forces to create the Nation's first African-American Casino in Tuskegee, Alabama. As first of its kind, it will be built and managed by United Auburn Indian Community, a Native American tribe consisting of mostly Miwuk and Maidu Indians indigenous to the Sacramento Valley region.

Area Rabbit Unimpressed by 1980s-era New Wave Music

An area rabbit has become extremely bored after listening to 44 year old Jamie Andrews entire Duran Duran music collection. His Rabbit "Vampire" has be Mr. Andrews' companion for over 2 years and up until this point, considered herself a "music eclectic."

Report: Siri and Alexa Tryst Produces Concerning Offspring

An online hookup between Apple's Siri and Amazon's Alexa has produced the Internet's first AI offspring.

Local Christian Scientist Not Really A Scientist/Christian

Local anti-vaccine activist, mother of two children and unknowing proponent of Natural Selection Lisa Fellows is not a Christian Scientist as she has recently claimed on her children's vaccine schedule form required by local schools. In fact, she's not even a Christian.

Doc McStuffins Sued For Malpractice

The popular doctor got herself into hot water when she also started treating her friends. Her neighbor Charlie Robbins, 7, went to McStuffins after being stung by a bee. McStuffins used all of her medical experience but was unsuccessful in treating the boy.

More Galloping

Area Man Stakes Gold Claim in Irrigation Ditch

Jimmie Brenton of Woodpecker Way said he's grown tired of not being able to exercise his "God-given liberty" to do what he wants with his land. He is also tired of people walking behind his house on the Nevada Irrigation District (NID) Cascade Canal trail.

Leaker: GoFundMe Wall Campaign Secretly Run by Clinton Foundation

A shocking leak from a Clinton Foundation insider reveals that a popular GoFundme campaign to build Trump's wall, might be fake.

Area Man Reads James Joyce’s Ulysses for 18 Straight Hours

Area man and burgeoning author Roy Riffle spent the entire weekend reading Irish writer James Joyce's Ulysses on Broad Street in Nevada City.

Oregon to Force Customers to Pump Gas

In the first change to laws that were put in place in 1951, the Oregon State Legislature has voted to abandon the requirement that only gasoline station attendants can pump gas, and require that its customers do it. The controversial bill passed both government houses and the governor has promised to sign it.

Winterfell Announces ‘Starkbucks’ Franchise After Viral Launch

Winterfell is getting into the coffee aftermarket.

Popular

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, former Indiana Governor and Vice President Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Purchase Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.