November, 2021

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Latest

Adobe to Retire Impact Meme Font

After months of deliberation following an extensive study from the Rundex Family Foundation, in a stunning announcement, Adobe Systems has decided to remove the Impact Font from all of its product offerings.

Middle Manager to Find Out Who’s Snoring on Conference Calls

Area middle manager Pajas Balasubramanian has been tasked with the thankless job of finding out who keeps snoring on company conference calls. Mr. Balasubramanian, a naturalized American citizen from New Delhi, India, is currently the Managers of Education Experience for local firm Video Axcell.

Rand Paul Under Fire For Accepting Stimulus Money

The usually anti-government Senator from Kentucky says there's nothing wrong with taking federal stimulus money.

Canada Considers Replacing Maple Leaf with Gravy Ladle

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

Office Worker Unsure Why Cheeto Goes Uneaten

Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn't understand why no one will eat the last Cheetos® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten leading Mr. Underwood confused about what's wrong with it.

Black Friday Questioned by Police

Some police departments have expressed concerns over the recent trend of municipalities to treat Black Friday as deserving of a holiday.

Donner Party Family Buffet to Open in Truckee, CA

Local entrepreneur Robert Mincy is looking to cash in on Truckee's booming economy by opening a family-style buffet on the Eastern shore of Donner Lake.

Osama bin Laden’s Body Accidentally Discovered During Burial at Sea

What they found when they opened the shroud sent shock-waves throughout US Naval command, the Pentagon, the White House, and Alex Jones's little micro-universe.

After Two-Week Drinking Bender, Trump and Bannon Finally Get to Work

After almost a two week drinking binge, President Trump and his chief advisor Steve Bannon have finally decided to get to the business of the country. Both men have been drinking heavily since the inauguration on January 20th.

SeaWorld to Replace Orcas with Sustainable Tilapia Habitat

The popular San Diego, California sea park SeaWorld has decided to replace its most popular features with sustainable exhibits.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Trump Calls Liberal Democracies ‘Enemies of America’

In an early morning tweet in what is apparently a response to criticism from allies in Europe, President Trump said "Liberal Democracies are the enemies of America."

Must Read

Tropical Plants Invade North Dakota

Several invasive species of plant life including ferns, bamboo, palm trees and several varieties of psychedelic mushrooms once only native to Maui have been founding on the once relatively barren semi-tundra plains.

Donald Trump Claims 10 Billion Illegal Immigrants Voted For Hillary Clinton, And That He Has Cured AIDS

In a blast of tweets Sunday afternoon, President-Elect Donald Trump raised eyebrows all over the country by seemingly implying that the election he himself won was fraught with voter fraud.

22 Year Old to Fix his “Sleeping in to 2 pm Problem” by Waking Up at 1:30 pm

Area 22-year-old John Scott has vowed to get up as much as 30 minutes earlier in attempts to appease his angry parents.

Area Woman Can’t Spell ‘Medical Marijuana’

Ardwelia Kushborn of Nevada City is a local clothing entrepreneur and medical marijuana advocate. However despite her enthusiasm for what she calls "grass roots medicine," she can't spell the words "medical marijuana," so she cleverly resorts to the abbreviations MMJ or more simply, MJ.

Intelligence Agencies Unable to Find Moderate Republican to Aid

Officials from the National Security Agency (NSA), Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), and Department of Defense (DoD) have admitted that their efforts to identify a moderate Republican to aid have yet to bear fruit.

Area Man Confused About What Kind of Racist He Is

Third generation local Norwegian resident Ernest Dahlman is not quite sure what kind of "white racist" he's supposed to me. Mr. Dahlman, 42, once recently called a "white racist" on a local Facebook comment thread and immediately became confused on just what kind of white person he was.

Penn Valley to Deny “Gay” Marriage Licenses

A group of local Christian activists have banded together to prevent same-sex marriages from happening in Penn Valley, CA. The group, called Citizen Against Non-Traditions or CAN'T, seeks to prevent anyone from gaining a marriage license in the rural, largely conservative town.

DHS And FEMA Mobilize Ahead Of Imminent Declaration Of Martial Law

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) have announced that they are mobilizing their assets ahead of the President's planned declaration of Martial Law, which is likely to occur towards the end of his presidency.

Hate Group Fails to Expand Support With LGBTQ Robes

The hate group is considering its options after its failed outreach program.

Flaccid Men’s Rights Activist Should Have Taken the Blue Pill

The Blue Pill would have helped a Newcastle Mens Rights Activist keep his tassel at attention.

Area Man Legally Marries Pickup Truck

Dustin Jayce Dickens of Penn Valley announced at a weekend family gathering that he had lawfully married his illegally-modified "coal-rolled" Dodge RAM 3500 truck.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer Enjoying His New Life Following Rock Band Phish

In a shocking turn of events, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced he was following the rock band Phish.

Russians Hack Local High School JumboTron with Porn

A Russian hacking group is claiming responsibility for seizing control of an area high school stadium's JumboTron television and running porn on it for over 4 hours earlier today.

Lifestyle

Area Boy Recovering After Shark Attack

Adam Mills, 16, sustained non-life threatening injuries after he was attacked by, in his words, "a really big f'ing shark" while paddle boarding on the iconic Sierra Nevada foothills lake.

Vaping Stops Chemtrails, Study Says

Local Sierra Super Stop parking lot orator and ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced the discovery of a completely safe and effective method for neutralizing the blanket of chemtrails over Nevada County.

Pat Robertson Attributes Long Life to the Blood of “Sweet, Sweet Liberal Babies”

The controversial and unexpected comments where made during an interview on the Glenn Beck-un website The Blaze, which was celebrating the 38th Anniversary of The 700 Club.

Study: 63% of Heterosexual Women Prefer Smart Phones Over Men

A recent study performed by the Palo Alto, California-based Rundex Family Foundation found that almost 63% of all American women would give up sex for their mobile phone if they had the choice.

Liberals Pushing Education to Undermine Trump

Several liberal groups are pushing for increased education to combat President Trump.

Biden Proposes Drones for Chemtrail Operations

In a surprise executive order, the Biden Administration announced plans to license and deploy aerial drones to conduct Chemtrail spraying operations.

Trump Takes Credit For Affordable Care Act And Being The First President Of Color

President-Elect Donald Trump has had a bumpy ascension to power since winning the presidential election in November. His transition and the selection of his cabinet have raised several eyebrows among politicians and pundits alike.

Business

California Driver Licenses To Sport Rainbow Overlay

California announced yesterday that it will allow applicants to choose a "rainbow overlay" option for their driver's licenses. The new option is slated to be available sometime in August 2016.

Fiber Internet Promises Faster Crap/More Services

Americans will now be able to experience crap at break-neck speeds.

Flat Earth CGI Artist Unemployed After Being Replaced By NASA Supercomputer

Jeanette Kurtz of Orlando, Florida had finally landed her dream job 3 years ago working for the National Aeronautical Space Agency (NASA) working as a computer audio/visual design specialist.

Chemtrail Reduction Program Kills Off Last Unicorn

Sadness swept across the 'woo-o-sphere' late today as news spread that the last remaining  flying Unicorn was accidentally killed by a Chemtrail reduction program. The Redding, CA-based Chemtrail Action Network or CAN has been developing a patented anti-Chemtrail "shield system" for over 5 years largely with donations gathered from its website.

Local Entrepreneur Thwarted by DSL

Nevada County Home Business "Shake It Well" came to a screeching halt on Sunday night when Bob and Danni Schlozmeyer's DSL went down for the 3rd time that day and the 19th time this week.

A California Man Commits Suicide During Karaoke Night

Tragedy struck earlier this week when a man took his own life in a local bar. Oceanside, California's Fremont Bar and Grill was having it's Saturday karaoke with it's usual mix of locals and Japanese tourists.

Trump Bans Offshore Logging

President Donald Trump signed an executive order today banning all offshore logging.

Deceased Dentist Loved Family, the Philharmonic and Wife Swapping

A Nevada City dentist known for his deep love of family and wife swapping died this week. Harold Ardon, 92, died Monday at his Nevada City home.

Democrat Candidates Battle Climate Change at an All-You-Can-Eat Iowa Steak Fry

The leading Democrat candidates spoke about the dangers of climate change at an annual Iowa steak fry.

More Galloping

Area Waitress Attempts to Serve Passive-Aggressive Customers

Area waitress Saylor Chrissy is tired of people with their smartphones ruining her day and the days of other hard working people by posting their negative reviews on Yelp.

ISIS Attacks Bolster GOP’s Agenda

Proving that global politics produces strange bedfellows, many Republican loudmouths are glomming onto the recent terrorist attacks in Paris as evidence that “other” people should not be welcome within “our” borders. And subtlety is not their specialty.

Team America: World Police Depart For Paris

In light of the recent terrorist attack in Paris, France, and the possibility more might come, The United States' premiere fighting force, Team America: World Police departed for France early Thursday morning.

Penn Valley to Deny “Gay” Marriage Licenses

A group of local Christian activists have banded together to prevent same-sex marriages from happening in Penn Valley, CA. The group, called Citizen Against Non-Traditions or CAN'T, seeks to prevent anyone from gaining a marriage license in the rural, largely conservative town.

Police Fraternity Planning a Surprise Party for Quentin Tarantino

Following comments made by American film director and actor Quentin Tarantino at a New York City protest, the Fraternal Order of Police Officers announced last week that it was planning a "surprise party" for him as a way of thanking him for his recent "support" of police officers.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.