January, 2022

Damnation Army Seeks Important Satanist Thrift Shopping Demographic

According to a prospectus provided by the Church, their Citrus Heights flagship store has grown by over 400%.

Latest

Subaru Announces 2023 Limited Edition Bernie Sanders Outback

Japanese automaker Subaru announced earlier this week that it plans on releasing a limited run of what is tentatively called the Bernie Sanders Outback LE or Limited Edition.

State of Jefferson Website Honored with Layout of the Year Award

The Jurisdiction of the Jefferson State Militia website was nominated last year for its innovative design and faced stiff competition.

Inflation Concerns Drive Motel 6 to Rename to Motel 7

The 56-year-old budget hospitality and lodging chain Motel 6 announced this week that it is going to rename itself given extraordinary inflation and economic pressures.

Mormon Graffiti Saved Man in Idaho Truck Stop

The Mormon church has been around since the mid-1800's by Joseph Smith under questionable pretenses. It has since grown to 14 million members around the world. The Mormons use all manner of recruiting tools to save souls.

Area Man Grows Giant Hairy Cock

Walter Truman is primarily an egg farmer in Camptonville, but in an attempt to make a better layer he also breeds chickens.

Supply Chain Issues Linked to Massive Cat Attacks

Department of Defense officials say they are taking "humane steps" to help "mitigate the threat."

Rejected State of Jefferson Flags

Gish Gallop Salutes the rejected flags of the State of Jefferson. Do you see any that you think should be re-considered?

Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: David Bowie Dead at 69

David Bowie, the rock and roll visionary whose career spanned six decades, died Sunday after a long battle with cancer. He was 69.

Radical Islamists and Feminists Vying For Domination, Warns Incel Community

An Illinois men's rights group warns of an upcoming "civil war" between competing factions.

Elon Musk to Relaunch TV’s The Love Boat…in Space

Telsa and SpaceX super genius Elon Musk plans on relaunching the popular 1970s and 80s American drama comedy The Love Boat.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Reuters Video: Clinton, Trump Make Deal To Sink GOP

A stunning bombshell was dropped into the unhinged American presidential race today. Reuters Paris reporter, Belda Suave unearthed a video that sheds new light onto the election.

Must Read

Florida Father Sues Liberal Media For Child’s COVID-19 Death

A Jacksonville man is blaming the liberal news media for the coronavirus death of his son.

Cancer Patient Prays to God For Help, God Says No

During a late-night prayer session, both Louise and Sam prayed incessantly to God. And for hours, nothing. Not a peep from the almighty. Not even a small sign from above.

Donald Trump Announces His VP Pick: Donald Trump

Not wanting to be "outdid by Cooked Hillary," billionaire reality-TV star and alleged businessman Donald J. Trump has announced his own VP running mate, himself.

Bowing to Protests, California Gasoline Stations Installing Braille on Pumps

Select Northern California Flyers service stations are bowing to pressure from various social justice organizations and installing tactile Braille systems for the blind on gasoline pumps.

Briarpatch Co-op to Open “Pay It Forward” Checkout Line

The BriarPatch Co-op in Grass Valley is experimenting with a new form of checkout lane that relies on the good graces of their shoppers. The "Pay It Forward" checkout line allows BriarPatch customers to pay for the groceries of the person directly behind them in line.

Pfizer Creates World’s First Non-GMO Vaccine

The vaccine has been in the works for years following complaints from concerned parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. Pfizer hopes this breakthrough will convince those parents that there is nothing to fear from vaccines.

John Kerry Found to be Life-sized Ketchup-filled Stretch Armstrong

After a shaving accident on Wednesday a mystery was revealed: Secretary of State John Kerry is a flexible action figure filled with ketchup.

Locals Patch Street Potholes with Pot

Nevada City residents have grown tired of waiting for the city to repair the roadway and recently decided to take matters into their own hands. They did this by planting a series of marijuana plants in the aging street's numerous potholes.

California Schools Replacing QWERTY Keyboards With Common Core Versions

A new "progressive" approaching to learning is coming to California.

Republicans to Roll Out Replacement to Replacement Health Plan

Donald Trump today announced the bigliest, bestest, most tremendous healthcare plan ever would be called Conservative American Care Act or CACA to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA). The Republicans in Congress are busily preparing CACA PowerPoint presentations, but the smooth release has been impacted because of committee retention.

Study: 61% of Trump Supporters Favor ISIS Attacks on Abortion Clinics

A new study has found that as many of 61% of registered Republicans think that an ISIS attack on an abortion clinic would be "OK."

The Free Market Cured AIDS And Cancer All On Its Own

The American Medicinal Association has just made a stunning and likely world-changing announcement -- AIDS and cancer have both been simultaneously cured forever. Stunningly, the AMAA says that it wasn't the communal efforts of medical research funded largely by taxes that went to various research universities and private labs, but the American free-market capitalist economy that "magically" cured them, according to a press release

Area Town Fears It Only Exists in David Lynch’s Imagination

Famous film director and writer David Lynch speculated that he invented the small California Central Valley town of Farmersville.

Lifestyle

Greece to Implement the “Zimbabwe Plan” to Ease Liquidity Woes

The Athenian government announced at the close of business Monday night that they have enlisted a number of "Zimbabwe Financial Experts" to help inject desperately needed liquidity into the faltering economy.

Fearful Nation Braces for 2017

With the Thanksgiving holiday behind them Americans are beginning to acknowledge that 2017 is a mere month away, leading to heightened anxiety as they wonder how bad of a fisting they'll receive from 2016's big brother.

Worst Place in the World Forecast

Today: Cité-Soleil, Port au Prince Haiti -- In the outskirts of Port au Prince, Haiti is Cité-Soleil (“Sun City”), a foul slum ruled by gangs and sitting in a pool of its own squalor. On a good day.

Area Irrigation Sprinkler Goes Rogue/Attacks Pavement

An angry and rebellious irrigation sprinkler located on Grass Valley's Roundabout went rogue over the weekend and decided to water the pavement instead of its assigned flower bed, multiple sources are reporting.

Fukushima Radiation Detected in North San Juan, CA

North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd that two of his three Geiger counters were registering abnormally high levels of radiation.

CalTech Scientist Surprised to Find Willard Scott Still Alive

According to Caltech Astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that Willard Scott is still alive. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive on a daily basis is may not be real, however he is willing to make an exception for the weather presenter, author, television personality and occasional actor.

Bigfoot to Support Bernie Sanders

After spending years as a Peace and Freedom Party voter, Bigfoot, the cryptid ape- or hominid-like creature that some people believe inhabits forests mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America, has announced his support for Democrat presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.

Business

Freak GMO Fish Caught in Local Lake

Area handyman Hank Snow believes he's caught a once in a lifetime fish from Scotts Flatt Lake, which is located a few miles east of Nevada City, CA.

Inter-dimensional Vortex Briefly Appears Above Sacramento

Residents of California's State Capital were both terrified and dumbstruck this AM when what appeared to be a replica of Earth appeared in the sky.

Area Horse Angers Citizens By Voting Nay

Ever since becoming a citizen, Stevie Ray has voted in every local election.

Area Man Discovers Chihuahua in Subway Sandwich

The long line at the local Subway Sandwich shop in Grass Valley's Fowler Center came to a brief halt on Friday when area B & C Hardware worker Rick Guzman found a whole, live Chihuahua puppy in his sandwich.

Missing Georgia Guidestones Reappear in Derry, New Hampshire

Early this morning, the Derry, New Hampshire police department began to get a series of bizarre phone calls from concerned citizens that a collection of large stone tablets had appeared in the area's Don Ball baseball field.

Exposed: Japan Earthquake A HAARP Prank Gone Wrong

Gakona, AK --Earthquakes have rattled the island country of...

CEO Admits “The Beyond” In Bed, Bath & Beyond Refers to Bi-Curious Males

The home retail giant's announcement has rocked the industry.

Donald Trump to Mike Pence: You’re Fired

In breaking news that has shocked the Republican party, and further alienating Donald Trump from the mainstream GOP, the firebrand and controversial candidate fired his Vice Presidential running mate Mike Pence after the conservative Indiana governor condemned Trump's recent misogynist video.

Mt. Everest Daredevil Climber Escapes Death With Descent in Wingsuit

Dr. Margaery Turell said this was the fastest way down the world's tallest mountain.

Google Maps Street View Captures Alien in Nevada City

An out-of-area man has made a startling discovery after his girlfriend send him a series of Google Street View screen shots.

More Galloping

Future Active Shooter Disappointed About C- Manifesto Grade

Garth Gall of Clovis, CA says he plans to work hard to get his grades up.

Montana Christian Camp Allows You to Live, and then Die, Like Jesus Christ

A Montana Christian Evangelical Camp is offering a realistic, "Jesus-like" experience.

Jogger Wounded by Falling Bitcoin Near Empire State Building

That weight came to bear on a New York jogger's head as she exercised her morning run through the financial district of Manhattan.

Joe Manchin Offers to Babysit West Virginia Kids So Mom Can Work

The generally even-tempered West Virginia Senator made a surprising offer.

Health Nut News Facebook Page Bought by Gish Gallop

Moments after being shut down for violating Facebook's community standards, the 92-year-old publication Gish Gallop purchased the troubled page and planned to relaunch it as an orgonite and pro-beef industry re-education page.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.