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October, 2021

Container Load of Sex Toys Wash Up on Alameda Shorefront

The accident underscores supply and distribution chain issues that keep economic growth flaccid.

Latest

Container Load of Sex Toys Wash Up on Alameda Shorefront

The accident underscores supply and distribution chain issues that keep economic growth flaccid.

Babylon Bee Announces Anti-Masturbation App

Christians have new hope for a current "hand-demic."

Online Ads for Giant Black Clocks Target Area Woman

Elaine Odell of Beaverton, OR wonders if she inadvertently answered the wrong question.

Satire Publication Cancelled for Writing about Next School Shooting

This ends a long tradition of strong reporting from the Sierra City, CA-based news source.

Idiot Exclaims: “I’m oppressed! Just watch them arrest me for storming the Oval Office.”

He was overheard shouting "Let's go Brandon" moments before being tackled by Secret Service personnel.

Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett Found Dead

Longtime Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett has died in his sleep according to the Omaha, Nebraska police department. His death, which comes after the suspicious passing of Justice Antonin Scalia's untimely death, further puts pressure on both President Biden and the Senate to appoint a successor.

Most Americans Still Unclear Where Honduras Is

A recent survey conducted by the non-partisan Rundex Family Foundation discovered that the overwhelming majority of Americans have no idea where Honduras is.

Jared Kushner in Talks to Sell Steak in Real Estate Tech Firm

Jared Kushner, a senior level White House official and son-in-law of President Donald Trump, is in talks to follow in his father-in-law’s footsteps by selling steak in his real estate company, according to a report by Bon Appétit Magazine.

Fox News Fires All Male Employees

In what some are calling a rash and hasty action, The Fox News Group, parent company of the News Channel, has fired all 253 male members of its staff and replaced them with an all female employee base.

Area Man Immediately Regrets Picking Up Hitchhikers

Recent Vacaville transplant and painting contractor Tommy Empire of Cedar Ridge immediately regretting picking up three hitchhikers Friday afternoon

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

Existentialists Booted from Area Discount Clothing Store for Smoking

French Existentialists Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir where removed from an area Ross Dress for Less clothing store when Mr. Sartre ignored numerous requests to stop smoking.

Must Read

How to Make a Fucking Iceberg Lettuce Salad, by Loretta Splitair

It's time to resurrect the majesty of iceberg lettuce. And I'm here to tell you, step-by-step, how to do that.

Yankee Fans Rejoice as Fenway Park Chosen for Terrorism Simulation

The drill which will run this weekend will be led by the Boston Police and will feature multiple explosions and gun rounds and other realistic sounds that Yankee fans say will frighten the "feeble minded Red Sox."

ISIS Infecting Syrian Refugees With Meningitis & Other Bio-toxins

In an alarming announcement today, doctors and scientists at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta have confirmed that nearly every Syrian refugee, as well as refugees from other Middle East countries, have been infected with deadly bio-toxins.

Donald Trump to Mike Pence: You’re Fired

In breaking news that has shocked the Republican party, and further alienating Donald Trump from the mainstream GOP, the firebrand and controversial candidate fired his Vice Presidential running mate Mike Pence after the conservative Indiana governor condemned Trump's recent misogynist video.

Study: Cell Towers Kill Zika And West Nile Virus Mosquitoes

A massive two year study conducted by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation and sponsored by the Centers for Disease Control's (CDC) National Toxicology Program (NTP) has determined that modern cell phone towers can deter and some cases kill mosquito disease vectors.

How to Roast a Fucking Whole Chicken, by Loretta Splitair

Question: How do you scare a Millennial? Answer: Tell them s/he has to butcher a whole chicken. Now I'm not talking about going out to your coop, finding an asshole hen or rooster and cutting that animal's head off, followed by a plucking.

Russian Schools Training Trolls to Misspell Like Average Americans

Several Troll Farms in Russian are now teaching their students to misspell like average Americans.

Get Your Suicidal Ass Back in There

Apparently a Brazilian woman was attempting to commit suicide by jumping out of her 10th story apartment window.

Bernie Sanders: GOP Ramen Tariffs Hits Nation’s College Students Hardest

The modification lets Congress decide the Import Duty Rates on goods imported to the United States, but it will allow Congress to re-evaluate the value of  imported goods.

Study: Bacon Can Prevent Heart Attacks

A longitudinal study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation sponsored by the Bacon Processors of America or BPA has suggested that eating as much as 1lb of cured, processed bacon per day might prevent a heart attack.

Area Man Reads James Joyce’s Ulysses for 18 Straight Hours

Area man and burgeoning author Roy Riffle spent the entire weekend reading Irish writer James Joyce's Ulysses on Broad Street in Nevada City.

Video Report: Source of Zika Virus Revealed

In this exclusive video obtained by Gish Gallop from an anonymous informant, the private "virus marketplace" called ATCC is preserving and selling the horrible virus which is being sponsored by the Rockefeller Foundation.

Man Shoves Pencil In Eyeball

Mark Nostrom of Columbus, Ohio developed a twitch in his eye, a severe headache followed. His head ached with every word spoken by the native Fargo people.

Lifestyle

Area Man Scolds “Muslim” Outdoor Umbrellas

Lawrence Bergerson of Penn Valley took it upon himself to explain the evils of Islam to what he believed were burqa-clad women in a downtown Grass Valley restaurant. The lecture was believed to have lasted as long as 5 minutes before the management asked him to leave the property.

Del Oro Tower to Offer Free WiFi For Grass Valley

The Del Oro theater in Grass Valley, CA and the popular movie streaming service NetFlixâ„¢ announced early Thursday that the theater's iconic tower on Mill Street will provide high-speed Internet to the downtown area.

Republican Candidates Compare Penis Sizes During Debate

During a particularly awkward moment during the Republican debate held in Detroit, Michigan, moderator Megyn Kelly admonished the candidates for dragging their body parts into their stump speeches.

Illinois Farmer Donates Entire Unsold Soybean Crop to Local Food Bank

A Dixon farmer came up with a charitable solution for his unsold soybeans.

U.S. Geological Survey: Yellowstone Eruption Imminent

This morning the US Geological Survey (USGS), issued an alert warning that an eruption is imminent.

Area Man Regrets Selling Kidney on Black Market

"If I had to do it again, I wouldn't do it," said Mr. Igo. "But I try to watch what I eat and drink. Thank god there was no Facebook back then. All the dumb stuff I did as a kid was before the Internet.

State of Jefferson Announces Innovative Fundraising Plan

Proponents of the proposed State of Jefferson have been criticized recently for their failure to provide information on how the creation and operation of their new state will be funded.

Business

Teenager Pleads to have “Internet Back”

13 minutes after having his Internet connection turned off as a form of punishment, teenager Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley, CA emerged from his room demanded that it be turned back on.

District Attorney Arrested for Distributing Child Porn to Newspaper

Nevada County District Attorney Newell naively told officers he had indeed provided images depicting children in compromising situations to a number of media representatives.

Surgeon General: Urine Therapy to Aid in Drought Relief

Sacramento/North San Juan, CA -- In response to requests...

Canada Considering Replacing Maple Leaf

A group of Canadian nationalists are petitioning the government in Ottawa to replace the maple leaf on the Canadian flag with something more representative of the Great White North.

ISIS Targets Area Man’s 1989 Buick LaSabre

An area conservative blogger is growing increasingly concerned about a possible plot by ISIS terrorists to attack his 1989 Buick LeSabre. Retired Colonel Jack Ripper as been spending the past two years planning for what he calls "a massive 'moooslem' attack on his Idaho Maryland Road home.

Alan Greenspan and Noam Chomsky Brawl Outside University Bar

Police reports out of Cambridge, Massachusetts confirm that former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and esteemed MIT Linguist Noam Chomsky got into a violent confrontation outside of the city's popular Middle East Nightclub on Saturday night.

Conspiracy Researcher: Sedona, Arizona Doesn’t Exist

North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that Sedona, Arizona is an elaborate hoax and does not exist. Mr. Wolford, who was recently in the news following his landmark Wi-Fi disability settlement, has been studying what he calls "the Sedona anomaly" for the past 3 years.

Willie Nelson Found Alive In Tour Bus

Famous "outlaw" American Country musician, singer and songwriter Willie Nelson was found alive and well in his tour bus parked at a Holiday Inn Express on Franklin Blvd in downtown Eugene, Oregon.

Republicans to Roll Out Replacement to Replacement Health Plan

Donald Trump today announced the bigliest, bestest, most tremendous healthcare plan ever would be called Conservative American Care Act or CACA to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA). The Republicans in Congress are busily preparing CACA PowerPoint presentations, but the smooth release has been impacted because of committee retention.

Gated Communities Discovered to be Massive Secret Government Social Experiment

An exhaustive study revealed that gated communities are really vast government experiments.

More Galloping

Increased Chemtrail Spraying Leading to Premature Guinea Pig Deaths

Increased aerosolized chemtrail spraying over Northern California has led to an increase in small pet deaths according to area veterinarians.

Eric Cartman Based On South Park Creator’s Pet Guinea Pig

According to a new tell-all book, the creator of the Comedy Central show South Park based the popular character Eric Cartman on his childhood guinea pig.

Most Americans Still OK with the 71,000 Afghans We Bombed to Death

Mr. Bufton doesn't think about the casualties in the Afghan theater. All he knows is that he's keeping America safe.

Low IQ Man Can’t Handle The Hectic Pace of California

A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.