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October, 2021

Container Load of Sex Toys Wash Up on Alameda Shorefront

The accident underscores supply and distribution chain issues that keep economic growth flaccid.

Latest

Container Load of Sex Toys Wash Up on Alameda Shorefront

The accident underscores supply and distribution chain issues that keep economic growth flaccid.

Babylon Bee Announces Anti-Masturbation App

Christians have new hope for a current "hand-demic."

Online Ads for Giant Black Clocks Target Area Woman

Elaine Odell of Beaverton, OR wonders if she inadvertently answered the wrong question.

Satire Publication Cancelled for Writing about Next School Shooting

This ends a long tradition of strong reporting from the Sierra City, CA-based news source.

Idiot Exclaims: “I’m oppressed! Just watch them arrest me for storming the Oval Office.”

He was overheard shouting "Let's go Brandon" moments before being tackled by Secret Service personnel.

Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett Found Dead

Longtime Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett has died in his sleep according to the Omaha, Nebraska police department. His death, which comes after the suspicious passing of Justice Antonin Scalia's untimely death, further puts pressure on both President Biden and the Senate to appoint a successor.

Satirist Tragically Mistaken for Whistle Blower

Last Saturday satirist Harry Kellop was shot dead in a friends doorway in Ullapool by what is believed to be a professional hit.

Locals Patch Street Potholes with Pot

Nevada City residents have grown tired of waiting for the city to repair the roadway and recently decided to take matters into their own hands. They did this by planting a series of marijuana plants in the aging street's numerous potholes.

Exclusive Interview With Time Traveler John Titor

Famous time traveler John Titor admitted in a recent interview that his warning of a dim and apocalyptic future, were fabricated in order to spice up what he said was a very boring and ordinary existence in 2036.

Sierra Buttes to Become Huge Rock Sculpture of African-Americans

In what may prove a bonanza for local tourism and a boost for racial harmony, President Obama has just signed an executive memorandum calling for the creation of a Mount Rushmore-like creation on the Sierra Buttes celebrating great African Americans.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

President Obama Calls For Thoughts and Prayers Following Mass Coffee Attack

Following a viscous coffee machine attack in Texas, President Obama is calling for calm and tougher coffee machine laws via a new EPA program.

Must Read

Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: Lemmy Kilmister Dead at 70

Lemmy Kilmister, founding member and frontman of Motörhead. has died. He was 70 years old. Kilmister — who legendarily survived diabetes and implantation of a heart defibrillator — was diagnosed with the disease just two days ago, the band said in a statement.

The Four Horsemen Appearance Over Trump’s Scottish Golf Course Has Citizens Spooked

Residents of the Turnberry resort in Scotland were spooked over the weekend when the four horsemen of the apocalypse appears over the signature Trump golf course, the UK Daily Mail is reporting.

Trump Promises To ‘Ooga Booga The F— Outta’ Radical Terrorism

Speaking to a large rally crowd in Florida, alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump promised to "ooga booga the fuck outta" ISIS, Al Qaeda, and radical terrorism in general if he is elected in November.

Area Weatherman Caught Popping Bubble Wrap at Local Office Supply Store

Area weather forecasting savant Giovanni Paolo was asked to leave the Grass Valley Staples Office Supply store Wednesday afternoon after a store clerk caught him in a back aisle furiously popping all the bubble wrap.

Woman Proactively Honks Horn in Roundabout

An area woman admitted on Thursday that she honks her horn as she travels around Grass Valley's Roundabout in her 1999 forest green Cherokee Sport to warn other drivers not to enter in front of her.

Republican YouTube Doctor Alarmed By Hillary Clinton’s Farts

Clem O'Connell didn't get his medical degree from a standard, "libtarded liberal brainwashing" university. Dr. O'Connell says he got his medical degree from YouTube and other "non-government tyrannical licensing agencies."

Trader Joe’s to Offer Child Adoptions

Trader Joe's, one of the largest privately held specialty grocery stores in the United States, has announced plans to offer child adoptions at select locations around California.

Charlie’s Angels Sequel Will Feature Gay Lead Cast

The critically-acclaimed action-film triple-threat team Charlie’s Angels from the year 2000 will be rebooted next Summer under a Netflix Original Film title, with one drastic modification to the image of the Angels.

Area Birther Still Hopeful Trump At Least a Racist

When 48-year-old Josh Williams turned on the TV in the break room at his job last Friday and saw Donald Trump on it, he was excited.

Danny Trejo Killed While Filming Children’s Movie

Unfortunate horseplay has led to tragedy.

FDA Rushing Approval of Antidote to American Islamophobia

The FDA is "rushing as quickly as possible" to get a new drug approved for immediate use in The United States, and in what is likely an unprecedented move, the drug will be approved for generic and over the counter versions at the very same time, bypassing Federal drug patent laws.

Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: Glenn Frey, Dead at 67

Glenn Frey, a founding member and guitarist of the Eagles, has died Gish Gallop has learned. We're told the cause of death was a combination of complications from rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis, and pneumonia.

Lifestyle

Trump Calls Punching Self in Dick “Patriotic”

Millions begin punching selves in the dick across the United States.

World’s First Pregnant Man Has Abortion

A Santa Monica man has been the first male to have and abort a baby.

Follow-Up: Area Weatherman Selling Meats on the Ridge

There appears to be a door-to-door meat selling bonanza happening in Nevada County. Area patent troll and weather genius Giovanni Paolo recently admitted to Gish Gallop that he sells a series of quality Omaha steaks to the residents of North San Juan and Camptonville. Along with his high quality meats, he sells a variety of "exotic" local animal proteins as well.

Saint Bernard Condemns ‘Morning After’ Dog Biscuit

Employing some of his most conservative rhetoric to date, Saint Bailey Bernard of Holy Southern Shepherd Church released a statement regarding the controversial ‘Morning After’ dog biscuit.

Sammy Hagar To Front The David Lee Roth Band

In a joint press conference today at Hennessey’s Tavern on the Hermosa Beach Pier, David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar announced that they would be hitting the road together in a joint venture of The David Lee Roth Band.

Area Anarcho-Capitalist Has No Sense of Humor

"And there all all kinds of Anarchists, you see. There's Laissez-faire ones like me, and other ones. Then there's the hippie Anarcho-syndicalists ones. Commune types. Similar, but different than me," ranted Mr. "X."

Kent, WA Chosen for Immediate Syrian Refugee Relocation

Humanitarian workers will resettle the next wave of Syrian refugees in Kent, WA, as the Obama Administration struggle to bring at least 10,000 Syrian refugees to the U.S. by the end of September.

Business

Jump to Conclusions Game Wins Funding On Shark Tank

Tom Smykowski, a recently laid off engineering manager, found favor on ABC TV's Shark Tank for his game Jump to Conclusions.

Low IQ Man Can’t Handle The Hectic Pace of California

A California man can't hack the challenges of living in the golden state anymore.

Inter-dimensional Vortex Briefly Appears Above Sacramento

Residents of California's State Capital were both terrified and dumbstruck this AM when what appeared to be a replica of Earth appeared in the sky.

Pornhub Struggling With Huge Load

The adult-content giant welcomes this thrust in visits.

Big Announcement from the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre

The NRA held a massive press conference this morning to announce a side shift in their stance on firearms and gun control in America.

Area Grandmother Finally Sends “Selfie”

After repeated attempts to send her daughter and granddaughter a "selfie," Mythel Adams of Grass Valley finally managed to send a somewhat coherant message using her new iPhone 6 that her daughter purchased for her.

San Francisco Harvests Human Feces for Building Materials

San Francisco with the help of Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff created a revolutionary new process to deal with the City's homeless problem.

US To Bomb New Zealand Following Oil Discovery

After recent discoveries of natural gas and oil deposits in the tiny island-country, President Trump via Executive Order immediately declared war on New Zealand.

Headline And Featured Image Outshines Article

Penn Valley, CA -- A recent Nevada County Gish...

New Study Finds Vegans Less Annoying Than Anti-Vegans

In a landmark study released today by the Pew Research Center in cooperation with the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, scientists have determined that proponents of the anti-vegan movement are several orders of magnitude more obnoxious than vegans.

More Galloping

Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett Found Dead

Longtime Supreme Court Justice Warren Buffett has died in his sleep according to the Omaha, Nebraska police department. His death, which comes after the suspicious passing of Justice Antonin Scalia's untimely death, further puts pressure on both President Biden and the Senate to appoint a successor.

Welder, Refusing Mask, Blinded in 4 Minutes

A Fresno man is recovering after exercising his freedom.

Toyota Signs 10-Year Sponsorship Deal with the Islamic State

The Toyota Motor Corporation reportedly struck a 10-year sponsorship deal with the Islamic State (ISIS,ISIL), aligning themselves alongside the world's leading global terrorist organization.

Joel Osteen Now Offering Payday Loans

"It's God's will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty," said Mr. Osteen commenting on his new enterprise.

California Proposes Special “Camps” For Anti-Vaxxers

In a last-minute press conference called to address the recent contagious disease outbreaks, California Governor Newsom proposed a solution to deal with the Anti-Vaccination or Anti-Vax movement.

Popular

Area Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Donald Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane, Promises to Terminate Program

Donald Trump accompanied by select members of his cabinet toured a chemtrail-outfitted dispersal airplane at Andrews Air Force Base yesterday afternoon, according to a news report today.

Mike Pence: Gay Conversion Therapy Saved His Marriage

In a surprise announcement today, Indiana Governor and Vice President-elect Mike Pence said that gay conversion therapy saved his marriage.

Mike Bloomberg Threatens To Buy Trump’s Debt

What can Mike Bloomberg do with Trump's debt?

ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons and 3 Others Dead in Fiery Car Crash

Authorities in Houston announced this morning that a fiery car crash last evening took the life of Texas native and ZZ Top guitarist, Billy Gibbons.

Hillary Clinton Found Dead Of Apparent Suicide

According sources close to the Clinton campaign, the Democratic nominee had come to see herself as the chief obstacle in winning the White House.