Birmingham, United Kingdom — British rocker Ozzy Osbourne was run over by a train yesterday afternoon inĀ  Birmingham. The train was reported to have been acting a little crazy, as eyewitnesses reported that it seemed to be steering directly toward a distracted Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne is best known for his vocal work in Black Sabbath, widely considered to be the originators of heavy metal. He also sang in a group called Ozzy Osbourne.

We contacted Mr. Osbourne via telephone for an interview.

– Mr. Osbourne, can you tell us what happened?

“Well, I was working at this plant, you know, when this bloke Tommy or Tony, or whatever, asks me if I can sing the way I shouted and screamed when I saw his finger get severed. I assured him that I could. And, that’s what I wound up doing for a few years.”

– I love the music of Black Sabbath, the music of Ozzy Osbourne, and the whole Prince of Darkness thing through the years, even the stupid show on MTV. What I was asking about was the train that ran you over yesterday. How did you cope with that?

“Oh right, man. You got to listen to my words. I was just smoking some Trainwreck a friend from the ridge sent me. I was only walking along thinking of apples, or summit like that, when I don’t know, I heard a loud noise and looked up as quick as I could, you know.”

– Can you tell us what happened after that, Mr. Osbourne?

I knew I had got bonked on the head, or some like that. So, I wandered home to Sharon, and like that. I had the most horrific headache,” said Ozzy, “it wasn’t ’til the next day, when Sharon told me what happened, that I found out a train had got knocked off its rails, or that I had done some crazy thing I oughtn’t, or some such. I’m not really an iron man, you know.”

Ozzy assured us that he was fine, and no more dead than he’s always been. He did complain that being run over by a London-bound train hurts much worse than being run over by a fairly competent guitarist with a new amp. Ozzy is expected to survive another 48 years after his latest head wound, and the Ozzy Osbourne brand is on the rise.

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