One of Dr. Tesh's Bio-Oil Drilling Platforms
One of Dr. Tesh’s Bio-Oil Drilling Platforms

Houston, TX — In the global oil market, innovation is what separates the winners from the losers. With crude oil prices at historic lows, innovating newer and cheaper ways to get that oil has enabled Cen Corp to thrive. Cen Corp is a Texas oil drilling and production technology company that has made a major breakthrough in production that will reduce drilling costs by 60%.

Dr. Chip Tesh of Cen Corp is the leading scientist in charge of new technology. This new GMO oil is his baby. Dr. Tesh spoke with us this morning, “This GMO technique will revolutionize everything, for a price of course. You see, what we do is we pump stem cells, purchased from Planned Parenthood, into the well. They mix with the oil and replicate, causing a chain reaction. The oil in the well doubles, we make twice the oil! Of course there have been setbacks”.

The setbacks Dr. Tesh is referring to are the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico and a bunch of other oil-related disasters. Dr. Tesh explained, “Well when we pumped the stem cells in, some a-hole thought it would be funny to put in left over baby body parts with them. The result was…. shall we say, unexpected. The oil below began to come alive and tried to eat the oil drilling platform. If it were not for Randall Delaney, we would all be dead.”

We caught up with Mr. Delaney in the break room. He told us how he saved everyone. “When the oil went full evil on us I just thought about my Mama and how she could quiet babies with songs. So I sang Twinkle, Twinkle till my insides hurt.” Randall’s song coaxed the mutant blob to rest, thus saving them all.

Dr. Tesh told us that they have had extensive talks with Planned Parenthood about making sure they remove all body parts from the stem cell vats. Dr. Tesh told us, “We are beginning to outsource to India for the stem cells, we figure the food they eat could potentially raise the oil’s API quality.”

Protesters are conflicted, religious right protesters want to end Planned Parenthood, but they love oil drilling. While the earth lovers just want to halt the drilling and end GMOs. They cannot stop fighting each other and nothing gets done.

At the time of publishing, there have been reports of oil slicks consuming sharks whole in the Arabian sea. Cen Corp declined to comment.

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