Massillon, OH — Last week, William Taylor, father of three, filed a lawsuit against KitchenAid, the makers of numerous small kitchen appliances. The lawsuit, which is seeking $1 million in compensatory damages, claims irreversible psychological harm resulting from purchasing a fifty-dollar toaster made the previous month. The case is set to go before a judge this summer.

During a phone interview, Mr. Taylor was asked how a toaster could be responsible for enough emotional distress to be entitled to the restitution he is currently seeking.

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“Look, I’m not really supposed to be talking about this case per se. Are you telling me that you’ve never had an issue with your toaster?”

Unsure if the question was rhetorical or not, an immediate answer was not given. The couple seconds of silence that followed was the last to be heard in this interview.

“Let’s be real here! It doesn’t matter what you do, doesn’t matter how many times you clean that thing, it is going to sling crumbs everywhere. They’re going to be on the counter, on the floor, in your hair. They’re going to be in your underwear drawer.”

Then Mr. Taylor added detail no one asked for.

“I took it last week, and I shook it like I was the San Andreas fault. I thought it was clean. When I walked back into the house, crumbs just came out of nowhere. It had to have been sucking in crumbs from every corner of the known universe. Where did it all come from? Another dimension? Believe me, they know.”

An attempt was made to change the course of the interview, but Mr. Taylor continued.

“On top of that, the last crumb creator I had, it had a dial on it, for how brown you wanted your bread? I went through a whole loaf just trying to set that dial, but it didn’t matter. Each slice came out burnt and stinking or as soft as it was when I put it in there! Where did I put my medicine?”

Mr. Taylor slightly paused as a small child suddenly began to cry somewhere in the background.

“That’s just great,” continued Mr. Tayler.  “Now the baby is awake, which reminds me; what are you supposed to do when something gets stuck in there? Pray? I mean, seriously, a fork would fit perfectly. It would do the job. Guess what, though? If you stick a fork in there, the ONLY thing that is going to get perfectly toasted is you.”

KitchenAid did not respond for comment.