Nevada City, CA — Area technology worker and parental advice expert Brent Underwood doesn’t understand why no one will eat the last Cheeto® in the break room. The lone puffy snack treat, which has sat in a paper tray for over 3 hours, has not been fondled nor eaten, which has left Mr. Underwood confused.
“I brought in this whole bag of Cheetos®, the puffs kind,” said a somewhat annoyed Mr. Underwood via telephone in his cubicle in a local video technology company, “and, well, I decided I’d share the bag because Sam [DJ Sam “DJ Sammy” Jackson] says I’m always hoarding everything which isn’t true because I’m not like that. So anyway, I dumped the whole bag I got from Grocery Outlet onto the table. And there’s this single one left, and no one will eat it.”
According to witnesses in the office, Mr. Underwood made a point to tell everyone he was going to share his ‘Party-Size’ bag of Cheetos with the office, making an effort to personally visit every cubicle telling each worker that “they’ll be in the kitchen if you want some.” After that, he strolled into the break room and dumped the entire bag into an empty paper tray. Upon returning to his desk, he sent the entire company an email announcing what he called in the subject line, “Brent’s Great Big Puffy Gift.”
Not everyone was impressed by Mr. Underwood’s newfound generosity.
“Look, Brent is a dick. There I said it,” said fellow worker Morris Crawford not holding back any criticism. “He’s always saying asshole things like, ‘You know, that’s not how I’d do it,’ and ‘What about this weather? Can I borrow your jacket?’ He’s been caught three times eating other people’s lunches in the refrigerator. So the fact that he’s suddenly sharing a bag of Cheetos makes him look more like a dick. Which, I suppose, is why there’s a dick-shaped Cheeto left just for him. It also looks like a phallic Donald Trump, like those butt-plugs you see online.”
As for Mr. Underwood, he feels proud in what he regards as “giving back to the office.”
“It feels good to share with my workers,” continued a cocky Mr. Underwood. “Being a good employee is a lot more than pointing out where others are screwing things up, you know? You have to give back. But if no one eats that last Cheeto, consider it mine. All mine.”