Washington, D.C. — Sources close to the White House speaking on condition of anonymity and a gift certificate to Whole Foods are telling various media outlets at the time of publication that President Barack H. Obama is growing increasingly concerned that there simply isn’t enough time left in his presidency to confiscate all the guns in America.
“When he took office in 2009,” one source told us, “President Obama had one goal — the total and complete destruction of the United States of America. Step one was destroying our economy by guiding it through a slow but steady recovery. Nothing kills an economy like years straight of private job sector growth. Part two of his plan was to kill America by helping poor people get access to health insurance. And of course the last and most important step was to confiscate all the guns in the country and force people to get gay married if they want them back.”
President Obama, aides are telling the press, has been so distracted by the other events that have shaped his presidency that forcing everyone to hand over their guns has “just taken a back seat,” one staffer said. “The president always knew his lame duck period would come one day, but he was hoping he’d have at least gotten a hundred or two hundred million guns confiscated by then,” the same source said.
“We’ve just been so busy writing post-mass shooting speeches,” another White House staffer told us, “that we haven’t had time to enact Order 1469.” That order, the source said, was written even before Obama was sworn-in the first time. “George Soros called up the president just after he was elected in 2008, and said that he and the ghost of Saul Alinksy had been talking and they wanted him to make sure to grab all the guns he could while in office,” we were told by the source.
Though experts agree that thus far Obama’s gun confiscation count has been quite low, there is still time for him to enact Order 1469 and collect quite a few guns on his way out of office. John McScoodoo of the Center for Tinfoil and Confiscation tells us that “Obama could conceivably send Level One Jackbooted Thugs to the doors of all NRA members” and start his confiscation efforts there and he’d wind up with “at least a few million guns to put in his gun warehouses.”
Those gun warehouses though, White House aides tell us, are getting too full with Obama’s collection of gay porn and Sharia bibles. “Being a closeted Muslim,” one source said, “Obama has quite a collection of gay porn and Sharia bibles he has to keep hidden from the American people. Since his efforts to grab all the guns have been thwarted by the honorable people at the NRA and in the gun lobby, he’s been forced to stockpile his porn and Qurans in them instead.”
“One option that he’s been holding open,” we were told, “is to declare martial law and force the 2016 election to be postponed. He’s not looking to stay in office any longer than it takes to take every good, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots guns away from them and force them to gay marry to get them back, so that’d be what, ten years, fifteen years tops? We don’t think any Americans would have a problem with that, but we still hope Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity or Alex Jones gets hold of this information, because it could be quite the game changer.”
Current estimates show that there are around 330 million people in the United States and roughly that many guns as well.