Wayne LaPierre Bullet Face
Wayne LaPierre had an epiphany

Fairfax, VA — The NRA held a massive press conference this morning to announce a side shift in their stance on firearms and gun control in America. The press had been invited two weeks prior and told to expect the unexpected.

Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, was introduced to the international crowd of reporters by Thara Tenney, the daughter of LaVoy Finicum, the Arizona rancher shot dead by authorities in Oregon. Ms. Thenney seemed upbeat considering the events of the last few days.

“We at the NRA, and people all across this great nation, have been closely watching the abuse of power by the federal government,” Mr. LaPierre announced. “We have been fighting the good fight on many fronts, but mainly in the arena of saving the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. An epiphany by the NRA leadership, in light of the recent murder of our brother in Oregon, is what gathers us all here today.”

After recognizing some key players and supporters of the NRA, Mr. LaPierre continued.

The culprit of much mayhem: the speeding bullet.
The culprit of much mayhem: the speeding bullet.

“It has come to our attention that, in retrospect, everyone, Liberals, Conservatives, and the NRA included, has been approaching this entire gun control business in an improper manner. We incorrectly stated that, ‘guns don’t kill people people kill people’, when, in point of fact, it is the bullets that are to blame! In our research, we found that guns are only actually to blame for 7 deaths per year. Usually the result of a pistol-whipping gone too far, or a thrown rifle that impales the victim. A firearm devoid of ammunition is nothing more than a hammer, a lever, or a conversation piece. Certainly not a dangerous or deadly weapon.”

There was a bit of murmuring in the crowd. Mostly a lot of WTF did he say? Or, WTF is he talking about?

Mr. LaPierre concluded, “Our plan is to stand and fight for gun owners’ rights. Just as our brothers and sisters in Oregon are fighting for the rights of all free men in America. We plan to take this fight to the real transgressors, the ammunition manufacturers. The NRA would like to thank you all for coming, and there are snacks, liquor, and a gun show in the main conference area.”

Personally, I’ve been to better press conferences in a state mental hospital.

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