Sunday, April 18, 2021

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New Years Resolution Thwarted By Canal Gate

Burt Bowles of Nevada City is frustrated with the gate on the NID canal
Burt Bowles of Nevada City is frustrated with the gate on the NID canal

Nevada City, CA — Burt Bowles is fed up with fatphobia.

Trying to live up to his New Year’s resolution to lose weight, Bowles, of Nevada City, decided to take a walk along the NID ditch on Banner Mountain, only to be turned back by a metal barrier with a pedestrian opening too narrow for his rotund frame.

“I finally get myself ready for some exercise, buy the right walking shoes online, and actually get into the truck and over to the beautiful trail along the ditch, when I am refused entry to the trail by this stupid barrier,” Mr. Bowles says, fuming with anger. “How are we expected to walk on this trail if you can’t squeeze through the tight space they make people walk through. Do they think everyone is skinny?”

Mr. Bowles said he tried to shimmy through the opening, but became stuck halfway in and had to be rescued by several people pulling him out by the arm.

“I felt sorry for the poor guy,” said Martha Fitch who helped pull Mr. Bowles out. “It doesn’t seem fair that large people cannot get past the barrier.”

Metal barrier NID Ditch
Metal barrier NID Ditch

But Herman M. Dean, who also help extract Mr. Bowles, disagreed. “The barrier is meant to keep vehicles off of the path. This guy is the size of a Buick. He has no business being on the ditch path.”

“His problem is he eats too much gluten,” explained Nathan Johnson, who works at Briar Patch. “And I’m sure he is eating lots of GMO’s, too. With a proper diet of hemp seed oil, heirloom seeds and nuts, and plenty of exercise, I bet he would lose lots of weight. He just needs to get his exercise in a gym which can accommodate fat people.”

Mr. Bowles reported that the entire experience has turned him off to exercise and has led to depression, which he is only able to manage by eating Rocky Road ice cream.

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