Tustin, CA — A construction worker named John Nada claims to have discovered a way to identify supporters of Republican presidential contender Donald Trump. He says he stumbled upon a box of sunglasses that, when worn, change the appearance of Trump supporters to “skeleton-like monsters.”
“I don’t know who made these,” he said, holding up a pair of non-descript sunglasses, “but when I put them on everything turns black and white, and a lot of people turn into real ugly motherfuckers. It took me a day or two to figure it out, but they were all Trump voters.”
Independent reports have been spotty and difficult to verify, but it appears the sunglasses were made or distributed via an old church, recently bulldozed by authorities due to unspecified zoning violations. No one at city hall returned requests for comment, but a spokesperson for the police department said Nada is wanted for questioning.
Trump supporters have not reacted well to the news.
“This is ridiculous,” said Trump supporter Holly Thompson, “the way this drifter describes us makes us sound like we’re a bunch of monsters or … I don’t know, aliens. And where are these sunglasses anyway? Why is he the only one saying this?”
Nada responded to critics by describing a powerful network of human collaborators working with the pro-Trump monsters.
“Not every Trump supporter you meet is a monster,” he explained. “Lots of them are just dupes, willing to sell out the planet because someone promised them safety and a little more money each month. These people don’t look any different from you or me, but don’t underestimate them. They’re just as inhuman as those skeleton fuckers.”
Nada said wearing the sunglasses for long periods of time causes intense headaches, but there’s an improvement in the works in the form of contact lenses.