Artist's rendition of the new apnea arena with potential customer.
Artist’s rendition of the new apnea arena with potential customer.

Sacramento, CA — After a competitive battle between the top mattress seller on the West Coast, Sleep Train, and the American Sleep Apnea Association (ASAA), the ASAA has won naming rights to the new Natomas Sacramento Sports complex. The bidding war was gone on for over 14 months, with each organization vying for the top “Sleep” rights for the home of the Sacramento Kings.

“We are finally to have what we’ve been calling ‘The Sleep Wars’ behind us,” said an exhausted Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson. “I want to thank both parties for keeping the proceeding mostly civil. And I would like to officially welcome the American Sleep Apnea Association to Sacramento.”

According the 9 year, $212 Million dollar deal, the sports complex and surrounding “business ecosystem” will be labeled with ASAA branding. And in an interesting twist, the terms of the contract call for various sleep councilors and dental experts to pitch sleep apnea solutions before, during and after Kings games. There will be strategically located dental services throughout the sport complex where fans can get a quick “Apnea Interview” with a qualified dental hygienist.

Mayor of Sacramento Kevin Johnson is pleased that the "Sleep Wars" are over.
Mayor of Sacramento Kevin Johnson is pleased that the “Sleep Wars” are over.

“The idea is simple,” said Damien Fruderesier of the ASAA. “We took a page from the teeth whitening people’s book a few years ago when they invaded your local dentist. So now we’re doing the same with Apnea and our associate treatment centers. And what better place to interrogate someone when they’re in the vulnerable comfort of a dentist chair, right? And now that we’ve won this deal with Sacramento, we’ll finally get the name recognition our profession so richly deserves.”

Many criticize the building of new sports complexes and stadiums across the country as not only adding  little if no value to the community, but as boondoggles for professional sports teams owners. Often the project money comes from public loans underwritten and guaranteed by the government. Professional sports teams rarely pay their fair share when it comes to stadiums and instead use public money to generate private revenue. Politicians generally rationalize this cost by stating that stadiums will generate economic revenue and job opportunities for the city, but experts says those promises are rarely realized. As in never because most stadiums and arenas are empty most of the time. You know, it’s simple math, which admittedly is difficult for the general populations.

A "Apnea Center" where fans can be examined for sleep issues.
An “Apnea Center” where fans can be examined for sleep issues.

“It’s sad to see Sacramento get extorted into building this new stadium that will be empty most of the time,” said long-time Sacramento resident Daryl Commington. “It seems that the government and the people who voted for this crap are simply digging a hole, and then saying it needs to be filled with public projects. It’s insane. We should have just let the Kings go and invested that money in our schools.”

The Apnea branding of the Sport Complex’s building and assets is scheduled to begin in July with completion slated for late August. The sleep/dental clinics are scheduled to open in November of 2015.

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