Sheriff Royal Tomato Gardens
The Sheriff is using his MRAP to recklessly take out tomato plants.

Penn Valley, CA — To retaliate against election emboldened cannabis growers, Sheriff Keith Royal unleashed “Big Bertha”, the Nevada County Sheriff’s Department contracted helicopter, and sent her to the skies. Following the direct order of the Sheriff to locate the “largest, most egregious” outdoor cannabis grow, pilot and deputies aboard reported a 4-acre plot in Class “A” agricultural land in Penn Valley. “Take ‘er down” was the order of the Sheriff.

In rolled the MRAP, sporting a massive weed-eater attachment. Down went 4 acres of Defiant PhR determinate tomatoes. Bred for both disease resistance and flavor, this mid-size slicer has “high resistance to late blight and intermediate resistance to early blight combined with great flavor” but proved to be no match for the MRAP.

In what looked like a mass murder scene, nearly ripened tomato guts splashed the MRAP, the deputies, and the tortured acreage.

“What’s all the red stuff?” came the cry from the Sheriff, a man so nearsighted he can only see himself.

Tomato farmer Rich Johannasberg was outraged.

“I drive down to Orland to check on another field and come back to total carnage! What gives them the right?” Johannasberg has been growing organic tomatoes for decades on his Penn Valley property and has never been molested by the Sheriff in the past. “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with that fool!”

While the clock ticks loudly in the background, the Sheriff is determined to eradicate all outdoor cannabis grows before the outdoor grow ban is rescinded in early July. Sheriff Royal and the Drug Task Force are meeting “in good faith” with the grow community, while redirecting personnel, increasing overtime and utilizing officers from other agencies to cut as many outdoor grows as humanly possible.

Sheriff Royal, who detests vegetables in general and most specifically any variety that might lead to relief of chronic constipation, denies this was the reason for the obvious plant misidentification. “Anyhow, I’m pretty sure tomatoes are technically fruit.”

“Don’t worry, Sheriff—I’ve got yer back!” promised Representative Doug LaMalfa, a rice farmer who receives millions of dollars in government farm subsidies. LaMalfa promised to divert taxpayer money to repay Johannasberg Farms for all losses.

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