Senator Lisa Murkowski seen here explaining why Columbus, OH needs to be renamed.
Senator Lisa Murkowski is seen here explaining why Columbus, OH needs to be renamed.

Juneau, AK — After decades of  Ohio Congressional Representatives blocking the name change of the United States’ highest mountain from Mount McKinley to its rightful name of Denali, a group of Alaskan politicians is petitioning the Federal government to change Ohio’s capital city from Columbus to Aleut. Seen as an act of revenge against the vindictiveness of the people of Ohio, Senator Lisa Murkowski, who’s leading the charge, said it’s about justice, not “getting even.”

“I know how this looks,” said Senator Murkowski reading a prepared press statement. “But that a few influential leaders in Ohio, working presumably with the blessing of the people, have blocked the wishes of Alaskans is unacceptable. Therefore, we’re asking President Obama to declare Columbus, Ohio as Aleut, Ohio via executive order.”

According to sources close to the “Columbus to Aleut” campaign, they chose Columbus, OH for what they hope are obvious reasons.

“If you think about it. It makes sense from a Native American perspective, said Alaskan native activist Jim Patuk. “Columbus slaughtered thousands of indigenous people and spread disease killing even more. And then they named the Ohio capital of State after him. We think a proper native name would be more appropriate.”

Note: this confused mass of cheese, crackers and noodles with spaghetti sauce is what people in Ohio refer to as "chili."
Note: this confused mass of cheese, crackers, and noodles with spaghetti sauce is what people in Ohio refer to as “chili.”

President McKinley is known for two primary accomplishments. McKinley was largely the puppet of the Ohio Power machines and considered an extension of Ohio State Senator and power broker Mark Hanna, who was generally considered the 19th Century version Karl Rove. Secondly, McKinley is also seen as the father of American imperialism, which plunged the United States into its current-day status of Team America: World Police. Apparently, both of these”un-accomplishments” are seen by most Ohioans as great achievements. But then again, the people of Ohio think spaghetti sauce is a form of chili. And Cleveland. Let’s not forget the splendor of Cleveland.

U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell issued the order changing the name to Denali on August 28, 2015, effective immediately. This action has thrown Ohio into a state of chaos, with polite rioting reported in Canton and Cincinnati.

“We are really mad about this,” said Ohio native Dudley Hamilton of Canton. “How dare Alaska disgrace and disrespect Ohio. I don’t care what Obama says, we’re going to keep calling it Mount McKinley.”

When asked what he thought of Alaskan activists petitioning the government to change the name of Columbus to Aleut, Mr. Hamilton had this to say.

“They can kiss our asses,” continued an indignant Mr. Hamilton. “Did Obama and the Democrats forget we are and have been, a ‘swing state?’ We don’t forget this kind of crap. Trump knows which side his bread is buttered.”

Gish Gallop contacted the White House for comment, but Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that they have not heard of the Alaskan calls to rename Columbus. He did add that the President is happy with the name Denali, and he hopes that this news will “de-focus” American’s attention from the controversial oil drilling in the Arctic Oceans the Obama Administration just approved.


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