Nation Shocked at Ted Cruz Mistress Accusations

Ted Cruz is under fire for marriage infidelity.
Ted Cruz is under fire for marriage infidelity.

Albany, NY — Recent rumors of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s infidelity have sparked shock and confusion among voters across the political spectrum.

“I can’t believe it,” said Perry Piper, a self-described Bernie Sanders “Berner.” “I mean with all that anti-gay rhetoric who would have guessed he liked women?”

The same sentiment was expressed repeatedly by Cruz supporters.

“No one saw this coming,” said one Cruz supporter, speaking on the condition of anonymity, “I figured that some day he’d get caught getting corn-holed by a trucker in a men’s room outside Fresno or something, but this … I don’t even know how to react.” He tilted his head, looking confused before asking, “Women you say? You sure they were women?”

Ohio Governor and presidential rival John Kasich refused to believe the tabloids, calling it “typical ugly politics.”

“Anyone paying even a little attention to the Evangelical movement in America knows the harshest anti-gay hate speech comes from men who love men. And, you know, very few people are willing to take it harder than Ted Cruz. The stance I mean. Not … whatever. Look this just isn’t true. I’m not going to talk about ‘Lyin Ted. Not going to go there.”

The Cruz campaign has remained mostly silent, issuing a terse statement stating that Cruz would be willing to swear on a Bible that he, “has never had improper relations with a woman.”

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When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.