Salt Lake City, UT — After realizing that both American-born religions share numerous similarities in their mythologies and “spiritual technologies,” leaders in both church organizations have decided to merge to increase their “synergistic reach into new demographics.”
“This is a superb opportunity for both organizations to increase participation,” said local LDS Elder Dixon. “Both organizations will not only benefit from an increase in membership, but we will also learn from each other.”
According to experts, both churches have declined in membership in the past few years. Supporters are quick to point out that belonging to a faith-based community is difficult with all the distractions and temptations of the modern world. On the other hand, critics of these two relatively new religions maintain that both have not fared well in the Internet era, where many of their sacraments and traditions have been openly mocked by an irreverent online culture.
There are numerous challenges ahead for both organizations, but leaders on both sides of this merger equation see nothing but opportunity.
“Yeah, there’s that whole Xenu thing which is an abomination in the LDS faith,” continued Elder Dixon, “but many of Scientology’s ‘space sacraments’ can be merged with ours. So our faith has a strong presence in outer space as well. And we’ve already discussed merging their E-Meter thetan detectors with our temple garment technologies. So that will be some power spiritual stuff when you think about it.”
The planned merger has received a tentative thumbs-up from academics and scholars.
“This is necessary for both organizations,” said Professor James Badwater of Yale University. “Both institutions are relatively new in the religion marketplace and suffer from steep competition from well-established Faiths like Catholicism, Presbyterianism, and frankly, the rise of Islamic Fundamentalism. So this is a ‘do or die’ situation for Scientology and the Mormons.”
According to insiders, the organizations are targeting March 13th as the closing date, which is Scientology’s founder and deceased religious leader L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday.