St. Louis, MO — To keep current with food trends, agribusiness giant Monsanto announced a gluten-free version of its popular and controversial herbicide RoundUp. Various advocacy groups celebrated and condemned the new product, with some calling for its immediate removal, with others praising the company’s forward-thinking.
“We are thrilled that Monsanto is taking this bold step to reduce the amount of gluten in the world,” said founder and CEO of Gluten Intolerants International Elise Carter, a group that advocates the removal of all gluten proteins from the marketplace. “Millions, if not billions of people on Earth suffer from the evils of gluten disease. And with this important step, Monsanto is securing a gluten-free world for everyone.”
“Gluten Disease” does not exist beyond self-diagnosis on the Internet. Celiac Disease, however, is a rare but serious small intestine autoimmune disorder that occurs in genetically predisposed people of all ages from middle infancy on. Symptoms include pain and discomfort in the digestive tract, chronic constipation, and diarrhea, failure to thrive in children, anemia, and fatigue. For the Google Internet Researcher, Celiac Disease is synonymous with “gluten.”
Experts Are Baffled
Experts aren’t sure how people get gluten disease, but the evidence seems to point to a genetic predisposition to gullibility. Most doctors and health experts are reasonably convinced that most people do not suffer from this rare and often life-threatening disease. Many people, instead suffer from a more common form of Internet Hypochondriasis.
Still, others are convinced that Monsanto’s RoundUp herbicide is responsible for various cancers, impotence, developmental delays in children, and disturbingly, the rash of bad daytime television shows. For many years, environmental activists have been concerned about glyphosate, which is the main ingredient in RoundUp.
“I don’t have cancer yet, but I’m expecting it any day now,” said anti-Monsanto crusader Tammy Morrison of Arcata, CA. “I’ve never used that poison myself, but I’ve seen people who have. Just the other day, I saw my neighbor spraying his driveway with it. I held my breath as long as I could. Until I passed out, you know?”
Ms. Morrison’s neighbor was power-washing his driveway and not spraying Roundup.
As for Monsanto, they expect big sales from their latest creation, which will also extend their patents another 40 years. Monsanto’s stock was up 14% in after-hours trading.