Cambridge, MA Speaking at a press conference this afternoon at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), a team of world-renowned scientists led by AC/DC aficionado Fil “SoloDallas” Olivieri, announced they have successfully cloned rock guitar legend, Angus Young.
The saga of cloning Angus first began when Roberto Liotti, a self-loathing bisexual lounge singer from the Carolinas, hired an elite task force of militant DC fanatics to brazenly stalk, harass and pressure the 5’2″ guitar God into a face to face meeting outside his Dutch home in 2003. After secretly obtaining his DNA, the sample was shipped back to America to begin a 13-year odyssey to reverse engineer the tiny guitarist through a process called Voltage Cell Nuclear Transfer (VCNT), first pioneered by George Mckinnon in 1996.
What started as a simple plan to clone Mr. Young has now morphed into a quest to reanimate AC/DC in their prime, fronted of course by the late great Bon Scott. “That’s the ultimate goal,” said Liotti, better known as Mr. Fister in DC circles. “The world needs to once again witness the pure power and magic of AC/DC in their prime 77-80 era.” Efforts to secure DNA samples from that classic lineup have proven to be more difficult than expected. “Phil Rudd threatened my life on more than one occasion, but I think he’s warming up to the idea,” Liotti said.
The announcement today was greeted by a mixture of joy and horror. “It was only a matter of who was going to be the first to succeed in producing a cloned Angus,” said Margaret Vanda, a staff scientist at MIT.
The Ashfield Institute in Sydney, Australia, has been doing similar experiments to those of their colleagues at MIT. “The significance of their breakthrough is that it now allows us to take this technology and apply it for the preservation of rock ‘n’ roll,” said Ashfield’s Director of Science & Toneology, Alex Belford. “It proves that cloning technology can be applied not only to individual rock stars but entire bands. Ultimately, it will preserve rock ‘n’ roll for future generations.”
There may also be a significant demand for the commercial cloning of rock stars. Mitchell Lange of Tchaikovsky Biotech says several hundred customers have “banked” the DNA of their favorite rock stars in the hope that someday they will be able to replicate them. “We currently have the DNA of Jimmy Page, Flea, and Ronnie James Dio, among others,” Lange said. “You wouldn’t believe what we had to do to obtain Lemmy’s DNA before he passed away. Let’s say he died with a smile on his face.”
Concert promoters are hoping cloning technology will allow them to continue booking headline-worthy acts for generations to come. “We’re losing the great ones at an alarming rate,” said Wacken Open Air promoter Thomas HÃ¼bner, “and frankly, there are not many bands capable of taking their place. If hard rock is going to survive on the festival level, holograms and clones may be our only hope.”
What does Angus Young himself have to say about all of this? Unsurprisingly, not very much. “If anyone should be cloned, it should be my brother Malcolm,” Angus told Gish Gallop, “he’s a much better guitarist than I am.” And with that, the soft-spoken 61-year-old rock legend tells us to “bugger off,” he has a show to do tonight.
The Angus Young Replica AY #001 will be available for meet & greet autograph sessions and guitar workshops beginning in June 2018 at select locations. To secure a reservation call +1 (530) 278-5046.