Midland, TX — A Midland Texas man is in stable condition at Midland Memorial Hospital after he decided to have a “back alley” vasectomy in the neighboring town of Odessa. Richard H. Thorndyke of Midland had the ill-advised procedure early this week to show solidarity with women who struggle with access to women’s health services.¬† He is now regretting his hasty decision.

“In Texas, lawmakers have passed all these disingenuous laws that limit a woman’s access not only to abortion, but regular medical services,” said Mr. Thorndyke from his hospital bed. “They know they can’t outright ban abortions, so they introduce absurd regulations like making sure clinic hallways are as wide as hospital ones, which forces clinics to shut down. So I thought, I’ll show my solidarity by getting my nuts chopped off in a freaky alley clinic in Odessa. I was hoping to raise awareness, but instead I got balls the size of cantaloupes.”

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Hospital Officials Are Baffled

According to Hospital officials, Mr. Thorndyke arrived at Midland Memorial Hospital late last evening with a high fever and a massively swollen groin. He was unable to talk, and emergency room doctors immediately knew what was going on.

“This may sound weird, but this is the 4th time in the past 2 years we’ve seen this,” said attending physician Dr. Ram Chaudhuri. “There are these men who think this is a good idea. Two of the past patients were like Mr. Thorndyke and were trying to make a political statement. One actually had no health insurance and couldn’t afford a vasectomy. All of them ended up here. All of them have been permanently damaged and are now walking with a significant limp.”

As for Mr. Thorndyke, he now realizes that no matter how well-meaning he was, it wasn’t smart to make his point in this fashion.

“If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t do it this way,” continued Mr. Thorndyke¬† sounding a bit relieved. “But people need to understand what these mostly male legislators are doing here in Texas and across the country. It’s complete bullshit and cowardly. You’d think that these small government types wouldn’t be that big on creating more government, but they are.”