Lansing, MI — For decades, Michigan occupied the imagination of Americans. OK, that’s a lie. However, it has been known for its iconic shape, which was forged from thousands of years of glacial activity during the last ice age and the ill disposition of its residents.
Many people know Michigan for its “mitten” shape, a winter glove traditionally worn by people who don’t know California exists. But what many people don’t know is that it actually sounds, and occasionally smells like a mitten.
“Yeah, that’s right. On a cold winter night, when everything’s quieted-down, if you put your ear to the sky, you’ll hear it,” said long time Kalamazoo resident Marty Dense. “I know it’s hard to imagine that during this heatwave, but trust me, it sounds exactly like a mitten.”
When asked what a mitten sounds like, Mr. Dense grew annoyed.
“Look, fella, I know you’re not from around here, but I’ll cut you some slack. It sounds like a mitten would sound, got it?”
As for the smell of Michigan, that seemed easier to quantify.
“Well, it smells like a musty old mitten that’s been not properly dried by the fire,” said long-time Saginaw resident Misty Barron (47) from the porch of her Michigan Avenue home. “I mean, it’s not hard to figure out with a little imagination. I guess the good thing is you don’t have to wait until winter to smell it. In fact, I smell it right now, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to go back inside.”
After a recent meeting, Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer became the target of rightwing groups for her efforts to combat Michigan’s sounds and smells.
“Look right here. Whitmer doesn’t give one bit about our state,” complained Michigan’s Impeach Obama Now! militia group based out of Kingsford. “She shut everything down and put thousands of hard-working people out of work. Now she’s telling us we look and smell bad. Those are fighting words.”
Residents of Michigan are quick to point out that although their state does indeed look, sound, and smell like a mitten, at least it doesn’t smell like shit like neighboring Ohio.