Ms. Bachmann's considerable corn dog skills.
Ms. Bachmann’s considerable corn dog skills.

Provincetown, MA — Former Presidential candidate, Congresswoman, Mother and pandering dick Michele Bachmann announced to America what Americans everywhere already knew: that ‘gays’ will “freely prey on little children sexually.”

“Parents all over America now have another tool in their arsenal for combating misbehavior,” said Bachmann. Along with the Boogie Man, Monsters and Jenny McCarthy, parents can now terrify their children into compliance by threatening them with the “homosexual agenda,” in Bachmann’s words.

Cloaking her rhetoric in mantle of doubt, Ms. Bachmann proclaimed that the “radical experiment” of same sex marriage will have “profound consequences that we haven’t yet realized.” This implied that the experient in social liberation should be stopped immediately because she is admittedly bat-shit crazy and can’t predict nor control the future.

Continuing on, Bachmann accused the “gay community” of pushing “deviancy,” “tyranny” and child rape. She added, “[t]hese are the things we taught our children growing up.”

But ultimately, Bachmann insists her message is about love and healing:

“Our message is to spread goodness and joy and wholeness and healing, and we do that through a loving God with a message that frees people, it doesn’t enslave people, we shouldn’t fear giving out this very good word,” Bachmann said. “It takes these concepts for the purpose of bringing liberty, joy, healing, wholeness and a fresh way of thinking for people’s lives.”

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