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Grass Valley, CA — Area racist and Trump supporter Terry Adkinson of Grass Valley made a point Sunday night to rank Ethnic food based on its “value” to society. Mr. Adkinson, who is not known for shy opinions and has a record 14 Donald Trump for President signs in his yard, made news last year when he put aside his overt racism to be polite to an Asian waiter when ordering Orange Chicken at his favorite “Oriental” restaurant.

“Well, let me tell ya,” announced a slightly inebriated Mr. Adkinson to his extended family at an area Mexican restaurant, “food is important. And food will tell you a lot about what people value. That’s why we don’t say Middle Eastern Restaurants anymore. They’re called Med-i-ter-ran-ean [at this point, Mr. Adkinson over-enunciated the word as if the table couldn’t hear him] for a  reason. We’re at war with these rag heads, and if you open a Middle Eastern Restaurant in my town, there will be hell to pay.”

At this point, the members of his extended family fell silent except for his “mouthy and liberal” son-in-law. The latter decided to address the elder Adkinson over his offensive comment.

“Terry,” said Michael Adkinson-Robbins, raising his voice above the din of restaurant chatter, “we don’t say that stuff anymore. I know you’ll tell me to shut my politically correct pie-hole, but there’s more to culture and their actions than just food.”

At this point, his wife and daughter of Mr. Adkinson began jabbing the son-in-law under the table as if to say, “shut up.”

“And we don’t say rag heads,” continued an agitated Mr. Adkinson-Robbins. “That’s extremely offensive and misrepresents most of the people in the Middle East.”

The Senior Adkinson paused and grinned as if he had the entire situation figured out.

“Oh, knock it off with the hippie shit, Michael. This is America, and I’m free to say whatever I want,” continued Mr. Adkinson. “I knew something like this would come up, so I prepared a list for you. You know, being organized. I know that’s something you hipster-types don’t understand.”

Mr. Adkinson removed a sheet of folded, college-ruled binder paper from his pocket and began to read.

“First, I want to tell you that I put a lot into this list. I spent the better half of the day yesterday putting this together. So here we go.”

  1. Chinese Food. Nothing is more important to America than Chinese food. Who doesn’t like orange chicken and egg foo yung?
  2. American Food. Well, it’s ‘Merican! Apple Pie. Bologna. Hot Pockets.
  3. Italian Food. They know how to eat. And we get pizza and spaghetti and the Olive Garden. And your Mom knows how much I love going there after she’s done shopping in Roseville. Don’t you, honey?
  4. Mexican Food: It’s their best export. And as long as it’s their only export, they get to stay at number 3. Trump will fix that.
  5. Taco Bell: I know you think it’s Mexican food, but it’s just American food.
  6. Sushi: That Japanese stuff, right? That’s OK, I guess. But not all of it. I liked it when I was stationed over there.
  7. Mongolian. I love those BBQ places. And you can go back as many times as you want. What could be more American than that?
  8. Mediterranean Food. That’s right. Anything from the *** head part of the world is now called the Mediterranean. I don’t care if you’re from Iran, Egypt, Syria, or Jesus-killing Israel. We’re not going to call it Middle Eastern anymore.

Upon finishing his list, the Adkinson family was quiet and stared at their plates for the rest of the evening.