Truckee, CA — A Truckee man has sunk into a deep depression after realizing that his underarm deodorant failed to create the manliness he was looking for. 31-year-old Jerry Heard came to this discovery after his trusty Old Spice “Swagger” didn’t produce any real swagger in his life.
“I thought it would do something,” said a despondent Mr. Heard as he sipped a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale at the Bar of America in Truckee, CA. “I mean, I was hoping this deodorant would give me the confidence to meet, ‘the ladies’,” he said, making air quotation marks as he said ‘ladies,’ “but it doesn’t seem to work as advertised. They would just know I had my swagger on and be like, ‘wow, what’s your name, handsome,’ but that hasn’t happened yet.”
According to his younger sister Daphne, who lives in the nearby Glenshire development, Jerry has tried different grooming products over the years in hopes that he would “find his groove.”
“I love Jerry, but he needs to get real and stop buying these soaps and body washes and things like that. I think he believes in all marketing. One time when he came over for Christmas, he stunk.,” said Daphne, whose face grimaced as she recalled the holiday. “The first thing he said when he came in was something like, ‘do I seem exciting to you?’ and I was ‘um, yeah, I guess.’ Then he told me that his Axe Body Wash was called ‘Excite’ and that he could feel it. But by the end of the night, he was sulking on our couch.”
According to Mr. Heard, he’s tried almost every kind of deodorant, body wash, and soap with provocative names, and so far, none have done anything to enhance his personality.
“Well, you see, that’s the thing,” continued Mr. Heard. “I just haven’t found the right product. I’m a little down now with this Old Spice Swagger fail, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. There are tons of others I still can try, and they’re introducing more every day. I used to go down to Safeway a few times a week and try all the products on aisle 18. Well, that was until they kicked me out.”
The Truckee Police had to forcibly remove Mr. Heard last Christmas after the store manager reported that a young man was sampling every hygiene product in the store and refused to stop.
“There was this guy who came in around 8 o’clock one night and started sniffing and applying all the deodorants and other stuff,” said Truckee Safeway manager Jim Basiloff who was on duty at the time. “He was there more than 1/2 an hour before anyone even noticed him, but he had gone through most of the products by that time. He was covered in body wash when the police arrived, which was a disaster. The entire aisle was just about flooded with goo, and the cops were slipping and sliding around trying to grab the weirdo. He tried to run, but he just slipped too. Everyone was. What a mess.”
Mr. Heard says he has no plans on stopping his crusade to connect with the right product that brings him the attention he desires.