FedEx sticks to its mission of shipping your stuff and staying out of your business.
FedEx sticks to its mission of shipping your stuff and staying out of your business.

North San Juan, CA /Alleghany, CA — Local business man, band leader and seasonal farmer Moonash knows how to choose a shipping provider for all his cross-state shipping needs.

“Yeah, I use FedEx because there’s a nice lady who works there,” said Moonash outside the Grass Valley Federal Express office on Wednesday in his aquamarine Gran Torino. “The don’t give me no trouble with all my small, double-sealed packages. Coffee, you know, brah?”

Along with local harvests, FedEx is also famous for delivery of drugs from “online” pharmacies, which has drawn the attention of a San Francisco, CA Federal Grand Jury who alleged that the shipping giant “knowingly and intentionally conspired to distribute controlled substances and prescription drugs, including Phendimetrazine (Schedule III); Ambien, Phentermine, Diazepam, and Alprazolam (Schedule IV), to customers who had no legitimate medical need for them based on invalid prescriptions issued by doctors who were acting outside the usual course of professional practice.” FedEx responded, which explains the shipping company’s local popularity, by saying that it would violate personal rights of customers to deny service and that “We are a transportation company — we are not law enforcement.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing if the Grand Jury indictment will impact local shipping customers. However Gish Gallop spoke with a few citizens in Grass Valley for comment.

“We are seconds away from legalized marijuana for recreational use here in California,” said Chip Day out in front of the popular frozen yogurt shop Culture Shock. “All this anti-marijuana bullshit was started by old-farts in this county and a few idiots playing out their Dukes of Hazard fantasies. It’s overreaching and a colossal waste of money and resources we don’t have. I suppose it’s easier to go after a pot farmer and the shipping company rather than reform the massive Medical Pharma industry? Welcome to ass-backwards America.”

As for Moonash, he seems un-phased by all the FedEx issues and he says he’ll continue to ship his “coffee” to lucrative domestic markets.

“I’m just a band leader, brah. You know?” Continued Moonash. “It’s gonna be a primo year. When you think about it, trains and planes are like lying down elevators, you know? [Editor’s note: there was a 34 second silent pause in the conversation as Moonash stared at the FedEx truck] Whoa. Bogina has a few gigs coming up. We even have one in Chico at Empire Coffee. It’s all good man.”

- Advertisement -