Lassen County County Muslims will have to register using Quick-Regâ„¢ system.
Lassen County Muslims will have to register using Quick-Regâ„¢ system.

Susanville, CA — Gish Gallop has learned that the Placer County government in response to President Trump’s recent executive action banning Muslims from entering the United States has deployed the controversial Quick-Reg Muslim Registry System (or Quick-Regâ„¢ for short) with the help of Premier Election Solutions, formerly known as Diebold Election Systems.

“This is an important step in controlling and mitigating the radical Islamic terrorism threat to California’s 1st District,” said Congressional Representative Doug LaMalfa who represents Lassen and other counties in the area. “For too long this part of California has been a haven for dangerous people. With Quick-Reg, we can be proactive in the fight on terror. We can not rely on the Federal Government or any government to protect us. This battle has to be fought locally.”

Mr. LaMalfa was an early investor in Diebold Election Systems and used the profits to fund his government subsidized family rice farm located in Richland, CA. Mr. LaMalfa has been criticized for accepting USDA government subsidies for his farm, at the same time voting to cut SNAP [USDA Food Stamps] funding for the poor.

Lassen County was one of many Northern California locations that in recent years sought to secede from California and form the 51st State of Jefferson. The notorious conservative county is noted for sweeping views of Mount Lassen and Shasta, an unemployment rate approaching 17% and over 50% of the population not graduating from High School. Following the 2016 election of President Donald Trump, the wayward county saw an opportunity to not only rekindle is secessionist desires, but also to purge, in the words of one activist, “people who hate the Constitution like Muslims and Obummer.”

“Look, we have a Republic here that is about Liberty and God,” said Lassen County resident Jake Shealy. “And that would be a Christian God and Jesus. Get it?” Mr. Shealy grew more agitated. “We don’t need no Muslims blowing things up here in Susanville. And we mean to keep it that way. They can go to San Fran-freako for that Sharia law kind of stuff. We don’t need their kind here.”

It’s unclear how many Muslims actually live or have even visited Lassen County, however estimates range from 2 to as many as 3 practicing Muslims. The numbers have not been confirmed at press time.

The  Quick-Reg system was developed Premier Election Solutions, which was formerly known as Diebold Election Systems. Diebold came under fire a few years ago for accusations that its owners were conservative Republicans and had ‘rigged’ their electronic voting machines to favor conservative candidates. The company denied such accusations as ludicrous, but promptly changed their name to Premier Election Solutions, and the public soon forgot there was a conflict of interest. Quick-Regâ„¢ machines kiosks, which are re-purposed voting equipment, will be installed in Lassen County offices. All Muslims are required to registered with in the next 90 days or face stiff penalties of over $500.00 for each overdue month.

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