London, England — His royal highness King George III of the United Kingdom declared via royal order this past week that his rebellious subjects in the new world are “riotous and ungrateful scoundrels.” Whose “rabble and wanton destruction of Crown property deemed them looters, thieves, and terrorists against the United Kingdom.”
His royal highness has been considering such an order, which includes jail time on various naval prison ships and, in some cases, death by hanging since the Stamp Act riots, which left several soldiers dead and injured. However, his close advisors convinced King George at the time to “just let the colonists let some steam out,” according to an anonymous person close to the King’s Court.
All that changed last Tuesday, when a group of men disguised as area “savages” boarded a ship docked in Boston Harbor and began throwing the entire stock of tea and other supplies into the waters.
“Oh yes, the King was quite angry,” continued the anonymous informant. “When he found out, he kept carrying on about how the colonists were terrorists and that law and order must be established at all costs.”
At one point in the King George’s rantings, he started screaming about how these scoundrels weren’t even from Boston, suggesting that they had arrived from neighboring Rhode Island, a colony known for “riff-raff.”
“The King was sure that there was some kind of conspiracy to overthrow his government,” continued the informant. “He even went as far as to threaten them with vicious dogs and the most ominous weapons.”
It’s unclear what “ominous weapons” the crown possesses, but according to several French spies, his majesty’s navy has been working on a new cannon capable of destroying an entire home. As for the vicious dogs comment, many critics of the crown point to the engagements in the new colonies in India, where there have been reports of soldiers using canine divisions to attack the peasants.
“The King is not well at all over all these insurrections. He paces back and forth, shouting out the strangest and non-sensical sentences like ‘Law and Order’ and ‘Faketh Reports’ and the strangest one, ‘Strength.’ No one is sure what he means by these, so his court tends to keep their distance.”
The royal order takes effect immediately. The American colonists have not yet responded.