Bethesda, MD — According to KFC, the fried chicken giant has offered an intravenous(IV) version of its 12-piece meal to President Trump’s Medical team. The memo, which the company released over the weekend, claimed that the liquid-cocktail form of fried chicken, biscuits, coleslaw, mashed potatoes, and gravy, combined with a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke has been in the works for over three years.
“We are thrilled to respond to the President’s request for our meals,” claimed the unsigned memo. “We’ve been working on an IV version of our most popular family meal, or in this case, a single Presidential serving, since November of 2016. We know the President requires more than just dexamethasone, remdesivir, monoclonal antibodies, vitamin D, aspirin, supplemental oxygen, melatonin, zinc, Pepcid AC, and bile.”
The concoction, which KFC is tentatively titled “The Big Drip,” has developed in the company’s food laboratories in Lansing, Michigan. Although they insist it was not designed for the President, the company admits that it doesn’t have a market beyond Mr. Trump.”
“At KFC, we’re always looking to stay relevant,” said company communications director Bethany Millbright. “And although it’s true we did start research and development of The Big Drip back in late 2016; it was aimed at hipster millennials who were kicking a smack habit, not the President. But as it happens, we found a demographic of one. It is what it is, I suppose.”
This is not the first time KFC has gone “off-road” in its menu design. In the early 2000s, the fast-food chain introduced a series of romance novels designed to appeal to–for god knows what–distressed, unemployed, sometimes female Millennial. The campaign was not a success.
Regarding the new item, the manufacturing process takes any KFC menu items and emulsifies them into a good the company calls fried slop. From there, using a patented process, they “smooth out” the mixture making it suitable for intravenous injection, according to a pamphlet provided by their marketing department.
“Of course, there’s the problem of taste,” continued Ms. Milbright. “But we thought of that. With each Big Drip injection application, our customers will receive both an electric brain shock and a small, mint-sized tablet to simulate taste. The brain shock doesn’t do anything more than distract their attention.”
Not to be outdone, McDonald’s said it was working on IV version of its number 1 Big Mac meal. The company claims that it can deliver this meal in the drive-thru lanes, with the customer finishing his/her liquified Big Mac before exiting the parking lot.