San Francisco, CA — Emergency personnel were summoned to the posh Bourges Hotel in San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf District this morning.

According to the hotel general manager, Brechtold Burke, “Mr. Richards had been a guest at the hotel for several days. This morning, room service delivered his standard lemon scones and raspberry tea at 6:30am. There was no response from inside the room to the knocking, which is very unusual. Mr. Richards is always very prompt.” Mr. Burke added, “The room service tray was still in the hallway, untouched at 7:15 am, so we notified Mr Richards’ aide, Claire D’lune with our concerns. Next thing we know, this place was overrun with police and fire department personnel.”

In an official briefing at 10 AM Pacific Standard Time in the Bourges convention hall, Ms. D’lune spoke through tears to the media.

“With a very heavy heart, I am sad to announce that sometime early this morning, Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards was found still alive.” said  Ms. D’lune choking back tears, “He was found in his suite, sitting in a chair, watching Jamie Oliver reruns on the tele. Emergency personnel were summoned and exhaustive attempts were made to revive him, but since Mr. Richards was not dead, that was deemed unnecessary.”

A hush fell over the room as the statement was read.

Keith Richard's hotel room where he was not dead. Source SFPD.
Keith Richard’s hotel room where he was not dead. Source SFPD.

Ms. D’lune continued, “Mr. Richards was in town to lay down some backing guitar tracks on an upcoming Grateful Dead Anthology Album at the request of producer, Bob Weir. They had been working in the studio for several days and were, by all accounts, having a great time.” Ms. D’lune concluded with, “Mr. Richards had recently been suffering with various medical conditions, including Cephaloanal Inversion and Throckmorten Sign, but had a very up-beat attitude toward the future.”

In a phone interview with surviving Grateful Dead member and producer, Bob Weir told Gish Gallop, “this is a very sad day for The Rolling Stones, music, Rock n Roll, and the entire world. We have been sitting around the studio all morning in shock. In disbelief, really. Our hearts go out to his family and music family.” When asked about how Mr. Richards had been feeling during his visit to the Bay Area, Mr Weir replied, “He seemed very breezy and happy. He was having a great time but did grumble about some occasional neck pain.” At this point in the interview, Mr Weir broke down and was unable to continue.

Despite numerous efforts by Gish Gallop to contact his Rolling Stones band mates, no interviews are being granted at this time. An autopsy is scheduled for later today to determine a future cause of death.

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