New York, NY — In a surprise announcement following a meeting between President Donald Trump and Kanye West this week, the President said that he plans on directing Housing and Urban Development (HUD) to convert abandoned nuclear facilities into artist living spaces.
According to White House insiders, the controversial rapper/songwriter was summoned to transition team headquarters earlier this week to present his proposal for dealing with, in his words, “the lack of places for the artist people to live.” Also, at the meeting as HUD nominee Ben Carson who had a “keen interest in helping poor people with nuclear facilities,” according to his spokeswoman Bethany Millbright.
This announcement comes on the heels of a horrific and deadly warehouse fire in Topeka, Kansas, last week, which claimed the lives of 36 people attending a concert. The 10,000 square-foot converted warehouse, which was an artist collective known as “The Shit Store,” was not up to building codes and provided an inexpensive place for local artists to live and create flammable works. When Mr. Trump heard about the tragedy, he wanted something done about it.
“President Trump was saddened by the Topeka fire just like the rest of America was,” said Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway speaking Fox News’ Fox and Friends earlier this week. “He wanted to do something about it, so he called his friend Kanye West to come up with a solution. He then hooked up Kanye with Secretary Ben Carson, and they started brainstorming. Kanye presented his findings to Mr. Trump on Tuesday.”
Although Kanye West was quiet about the nature of his meeting with Mr. Trump and Ben Carson, he opened up to E! Online today to discuss his proposal.
“If you have the opportunity to play this game of life, you need to appreciate every moment,” said Mr. West discussing his proposal. “A lot of people don’t appreciate the moment until it’s passed. People always say that you can’t please everybody. I think that’s a cop-out. Why not attempt it? ‘Cause think of all the people you will please if you try. When Mr. Trump asked me to fix this problem, I thought, ‘what are the two things I hate?’ And that’s being poor and nuclear power. So I put them together.”
Gish Gallop reached out to local artist Jeff Kawano, who is already “crashing” in the abandoned Rancho Seco nuclear power plant outside of Sacramento, CA. Mr. Kawano has been living undetected in the facility’s control room for over two years and is excited about the possibilities of having like-minded roommates.
“I think it’s a great idea,” said an enthusiastic Mr. Kawano. “This place is so creative. I mean, look at all this stuff just left like the end of the world just happened. It’s inspiring. And cheap too. It would be great to have other people like me around here.”
Details of the plan are slim but leaked copies provided by the transition team suggest that as many as 14 abandoned nuclear facilities will be converted to not only artist collectives, but possibly low-income housing and detention centers for illegal immigrants. Ben Carson’s spokeswoman did provide some additional detail.
“Look,” said a terse Ms. Millbright, “It’s going to be hard to burn something down that is made of reinforced steel and concrete. That’s the genius of the idea, ,and frankly, that was Mr. Carson’s idea, not Kanye. He just showed up with a pointing stick and talked about his feelings. None the less, we are excited about Mr. Trump calls, “using what you got” to fix this artist problem. We think it will have bipartisan support when it reaches Congress this Spring.”
As for Kanye West, he’s proud of what he’s been able to accomplish.
“We all self-conscious. I’m just the first to admit it,” continued Kanye. “I was never really good at anything except for the ability to learn. And learned quickly how to solve one of our most terrible problems. And I’m a do-er, just like Mr. Trump. That’s why he called on me to fix this. Peace.”