John McCain Speaks Out About Drug Controversy: Medical Meth

Senator John McCain is proposing a change to Methamphetamine laws in Arizona.
Senator John McCain is proposing a change to Methamphetamine laws in Arizona.

Phoenix, AZ — Longtime Arizona Senator John McCain has been mired by controversy and political blunders over the past few years. He illegally went to Syria to meet with rebels and met with neo-Nazi leaders in Kiev, Ukraine. Now his campaign finance manager of three years, Emily Pitha, has been arrested for running a meth lab inside her home.

Along with working closely with Senator McCain, Emily Pitha has also worked for Ambassador Barbara Barrett, where she worked on finance for anti-drug campaigns as well. She was arrested and is awaiting arraignment.

John McCain tried to get ahead of the controversy and reached out to Gish Gallop with a prepared statement.

“We are absolutely shocked by the allegations of criminal production of methamphetamine by Emily,” said a shaky Senator McCain. “She is a fine upstanding Republican with a bright future. The meth as for personal consumption only. Emily had glaucoma and used meth to ease the symptoms. I will be encouraging the Arizona legislature to legalize medical methamphetamine. No person should have to suffer in pain.”

The McCain family is not without a drug controversy of its own. Daughter Cindy was revealed to be an addict in 2008 as well as being a lesbian. There is no word on whether Senator McCain will ask for a governor’s pardon for Emily Pitha, nor does anybody know where all that meth ended up after the arrest.

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.