Washington D.C. — After years of speculation and investigative attempts to determine what former United States Secretary of State John Kerry is made of, after a shaving accident on Wednesday, the mystery was revealed: he is a flexible action figure filled with ketchup.
“Well, we knew he was filled with something,” said local life-long Republican and Herdon, Virginia home office worker Herman M. Dean. “He was always able to change his positions on issues on a dime. Now we know that all his waffling was due to his Stretch Armstrong build. The ketchup thing is less of a surprise. You know. His wife and all.”
Stretch Armstrong was a large, gel-filled action figure first introduced in 1976 by the Kenner corporation. The doll’s most notable feature was that it could be stretched from its original size (about 15 inches) to four or five feet. If a tear did develop, it could be fixed with an adhesive bandage.
Neat, right? The original 1970s Stretch is very collectible now and commands high prices on the secondary collectors’ market, selling hundreds, even thousands of dollars to fans of the Village People and Judy Garland film festivals. Although the toy was filled with corn syrup, experts maintain that this is indistinguishable to ketchup, except for the color.
Gish Gallop reached out to the former Secretary of State’s office, but they did not return our phone calls. However, Mr. Kerry’s press secretary Marie Harf released the following statement.
“The notion that the Secretary of State is full of ketchup is frankly strange. He is flexible, but what human could be filled with ketchup? We do not generally respond to such accusations. Still, given that Facebook has been under the watchful eye of the Federal Government, we felt it necessary to dismiss this rumor immediately.”