Washington D.C. — Jesus Christ, who is key to membership into God’s heavenly family, recently apologized for an incident on the Capitol Mall where he accidentally crushed several tourists. Then, late last week, a gigantic version of the Son of God appeared in Washington, D.C., unannounced and for no apparent reason.
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me,” bellowed giant Jesus as he made his way from the Washington Monument crushing several Japanese visitors. “For it is by grace, you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves. And whoops, Sorry. Lord, be with you.”
“And also with you, Jesus!” Shouted Milwaukee’s Oliver Owen, whose legs had just been severed. He is expected to survive.
Others were spared Jesus’ giant foot, with some complaining that they missed out on the action.
“It would be an honor to be crushed to death by giant Jesus,” said Carol Kevins, visiting from Knoxville, Tennessee. “But sadly, he missed me by about 20 feet despite my best efforts. Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed that he didn’t crush me. I’m a huge advocate of his books, and I tell everybody about the Gospel.”
As Jesus made his way over to the Capitol Building, tragedy struck as he squished Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as he made his way out to greet the Savior of Man.
“I saw the whole thing,” said Adam Schiff, who chose not to venture outside during Jesus’ romp. “The Majority Leader crawled out there, slowly, like a turtle. And as he raised his hand to greet him, Jesus accidentally smashed him like a bug. The last thing I heard from Mr. McConnell was ‘Oh, no.'”
“I’m so sorry about that,” continued Jesus, reflecting on what he’d done. “Shouldn’t happen a second time.”
It’s unclear how long Jesus plans on staying at the National Mall. The Park Service is thrilled to have him around as it’s driving tourism to new highs, even if those visitors are getting crushed to death.
“Look, I know what you’re thinking,” said Ranger Damion Abaddon. “I figure his followers are all into this kind of thing. But, you know, it’s some test of faith or something. All I know is snack bar revenues are up, which is nice.”