ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi delivering a sermon about loading fighter's beards with shit.
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi delivering a sermon about loading fighter’s beards with shit.

Northern Iraq — Following a recent and sensational report that men’s beards are as dirty as toilets, the Middle Eastern terrorist group known as ISIL or ISIS has decided to put their mandatory Islamic facial hair to good use: they’re loading their beards up with deadly bacteria. According to the initial report, several men were tested by Quest Diagnostics microbiologist John Golobic. While some of the beards tested were found to have a normal level of bacteria, others were “comparable to toilets.”

In an audio message released today, the reclusive leader of  ISIS Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who made only one public appearance since declaring himself caliph in July, had this to say about the terrorist group’s mission on what is now being called “poop beards.”

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“Islam was never a religion of peace. Islam is the religion of fighting,” al-Baghdadi said. “No one should believe that the war that we are waging is the war of cleanliness. No, it is the war of all Muslims, but the Islamic State is spearheading it with our beard infections. It is the war of Muslims against infidels.”

According to the NSA, Phil Robertson is not a threat to national security.
According to the NSA, Phil Robertson is not a threat to national security. It is unclear if his beard is safe.

In the latest message, al-Baghdadi blasted Arab rulers, calling them “guarding dogs” for the “shaven infidels” and saying the Yemen war will lead to the end of the beard-hating Saudi Family.

According to National Security Administration or NSA, the primitive terrorist group plans on infecting “martyr’s” beards with various infective agents such as bacteria, viruses and interestingly, extra strength Axe “Shock” body spray. Then, according to NSA insiders, the assailants will board international flights and rub their beards on common surfaces. They will, in effect, cause disease “beard vectors.”

“Think of it like a shoe bomb on a plane that takes a little longer to kill you,” Deputy NSA for Strategic Communications Ben Rhodes in a rare, non-haiku statement. “Some diseases can take a few hours or a few days. Often the victims will get sick later and blame it on the horrible airplane food or the filthy lavatories. But then they’ll just die. I’m not sure a lavatory has ever done that, although I’m reasonably certain airplane food has.”

According to Mr. Rhodes, the NSA is recommending full scrubbing and sanitation routine for all suspicious beards before boarding planes in “threat level” regions of the world. Local reaction in Nevada County was typically uniformed and odd.

Aspiring author Roy Riffle of Nevada City.
Aspiring author Roy Riffle of Nevada City. He can’t grow a beard so he’s relieved on several fronts.

“This is great news for me,” said area struggling author, hipster and anxious sharia law-worrier Roy Riffle. “I can’t grow a beard anyway, so I don’t have to worry about all this bacteria. And I’m sure glad they’re going to wash the terrorist’s beards before they come here. It’s like I always say, ‘a man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.’ So I can do something right. And that something is not growing a beard.”

When asked why Mr. Riffle was so concerned and now relieved about growing a beard, he commented in odd prose.

“Every life,” continued Mr. Riffle,  “is in many days, day after day. We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-love. But always meeting ourselves.”

As for the ISIS thread, Deputy Rhodes stressed that Americans should not let their guards down just because the NSA thinks a good cleaning should cut the terrorist beard threat.

“Look,” said a serious Deputy Rhodes, “Americans need to keep their guard up. We got them this time, but there’s other body hair we need to worry about. Do I need to explain how that might work? We’re asking Americans to stay vigilant against the growing body hair threat.”