Mosul, Iraq — A spokesman for the designated terrorist group Islamic State of Iraq and Syria or ISIS announced late Monday night that the extremist group is pleased with the political developments in the State of Indiana. The statement also mentioned that the organization might seek to locate operations there if this favorable political trend continues.
[translated] “We are delighted that Indiana has decided to take these steps towards ending sodomites. ISIS will continue to monitor the developments in Indiana, and is hopeful that these reforms will continue. For the rest of the Americans, take heed. We will intervene and equip you to dwell under the ground.”
When Indiana Gov. and not Vice President hopeful Mike Pence signed his state’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA), he apparently did not anticipate the resulting uproar. Many people fear that the law could be used to allow store owners to deny service to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) persons. Governor Pence also didn’t predict the consequences of attracting the praise of international Islamic terrorist groups.
Although there has been no official response from the Indianapolis government, insiders say the political heavyweights are trying to figure out what to do with the recent accolades from the most infamous terrorist group on Earth. Some say Governor Pence should ignore the praise and double-down on his contradictory word salad explanations for the discriminatory bill. Others maintain he should look at this as a tool to bridge a relationship with ISIS. Either way, critics say Indiana is in a losing position.
An Indiana Republican activist had the last word.
“Look, we just want our God-given protections to keep the sodomites out of our places of business” said a somewhat indignant Jeff Clearwater of WestClay, an affluent suburb of Indianapolis. “We’re not talking about throwing gays off buildings like ISIS does. We have no plans to throw them off of buildings. Maybe out into the streets, but not off our roofs.”