Intelligence Agencies Unable to Find Moderate Republican to Aid

CIA director John Brennan can't figure out who to help.
CIA director John Brennan can’t figure out who to help.

Washington , D.C. — In a sign of growing frustration, officials from the National Security Agency (NSA), Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), and Department of Defense (DoD) have admitted that their efforts to identify a moderate Republican to aid have yet to bear fruit.

“What we see is a general dissolution of the party,” said CIA director John Brennan. “We’re very concerned at the danger posed to the region by such an unstable group of actors, but every time we think we’ve identified someone we might consider an ally, they say something extreme. We thought [John] Kasich was our guy,” he continued, “but he won’t shut up about Planned Parenthood and scripture. How do we justify sending aid to someone who throws poor women under the bus like that?”

NSA spokesperson Vanee Vines expressed similar disillusionment.

“We bounced around a lot in the early months of the conflict. A few camps stood out as extremists from the get-go, but a couple looked like we might work with them. Like they might be reasonable and not try to burn America to the ground after they got a little power. Jeb Bush for a while looked like a goofy, bumbling, but less destructive choice than his brother, but the more extreme camps finished him off pretty quick.”

“I think the fact that he was moderate enough to be a possible ally to the United States is what caused the other groups to turn on him like that,” she continued, shaking her head.

No government agencies would go on record supporting any current faction, citing a widespread disdain for the American populace and a tendency toward violence.

An official for the (DoD), speaking on the condition of anonymity, framed the problem as a “lose-lose” scenario.

“We all recognize the threat of letting Donald Trump solidify his grip on power, but every time we look around for someone else to challenge him, an ally we can aid who won’t turn on us next year, we just see a bunch of violent extremists. At this point most of us are quietly hoping they all hurt each other so badly that someone else swoops in, Hillary or Bernie maybe, and we’re spared the indignity of dealing with any of them.”

“We’re literally sitting here with mountains of cash to throw at anyone who isn’t a complete piece of shit.”

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When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.