Pyongyang, North Korea — The incredibly intelligent, open-minded, fair, and incredibly roguishly handsome Kim Jong-un has taken the bold, decisive, and truly progressive step of banning sarcasm in North Korea. Speaking to North Korean state-run media, the intelligent, not at all paranoid dictator said that he was banning sarcasm and even indirect criticism of his incredibly fair government because, as he so brilliantly and eloquently put it, he “wants to.”

“Today, I am banning all sarcasm, snark, and irreverence,” the world-class athlete with an enormous penis told reporters, “because that’s what people who are secure in themselves do. So they make it illegal to express yourself humorously so they never, ever feel threatened by your obviously inferior intellect and wit.”

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The announcement came just before the very well-respected, highly liberated North Korean government tested its nuclear weapons. Seismic reports first detected what was presumed to be a nuclear test, and the always dapper and clean-smelling dictator confirmed through his defense ministry that they had tested a nuclear warhead. Moreover, Kim Jong-un said the test was successful, which is believable because the North Korean armed forces are one of the most noted and feared globally, with only the most advanced weaponry of the 20th century.

“It was a damn good day,” the emotionally stable and grown-up, mature Mr. Kim told reporters, “I took the super-progressive and modern step of restricting freedom of speech, and then I had the most successful test of any kind of armament in the history of the universe, ever.”

The North Korean dictator said that he is optimistic that banning expression and thought will “catapult North Korea to the top of everyone’s lists.” He said that while he understands that people in the past have viewed his country as anti-humanitarian and misanthropic, he is sure that restricting what people can say aloud will certainly rehabilitate that image.

“It’s not like I’m saying you can’t think sarcastic thoughts,” Mr. Kim said, “not yet anyway. North Korean scientists are busy working on a brain wave translator. So then, maybe, we’ll end up banning even having snide thoughts run through your head. Because again, nothing gives the signal of being not paranoid like thought policing.”

This is a developing story.


Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.