Armonk, NY — International Business Machines (IBM) announced on Friday that it has developed a Linux distribution to finally solve “the Java question.” The ‘Final Solution’ distribution, or ‘distro’ in nerd-speak, was designed from the bottom up, according to IBM officials to modernize and purify the most widely used server software in the world.

“All great movements are popular movements,” said IBM communications director Bethany Millbright in a fiery press conference. “They are the volcanic eruptions of human passions and emotions, stirred into activity by the ruthless distress or by the torch of the spoken word cast into the midst of the people. Endlosung Linux is the Linux distribution of the people, the real people.”

Some of the innovations of Endlosung Linux include updates controlled by IBM and a new background daemon (service) that works to remove undesirable and unclean code. The new distribution is not without controversy due to its heavy handiness. In the past, IBM has been accused of sweeping its dubious past under the metaphorical rug.

In a 2001 book by Edwin Black titled IBM and the Holocaust: The Strategic Alliance between Nazi Germany and America’s Most Powerful Corporation, Mr. Black outlined how IBM’s technology helped facilitate Nazi genocide through generation and tabulation of punch cards based upon national census data. IBM has neither confirmed nor denied the accusation until hinting about it at today’s announcement. Instead, the company attacked Mr. Black’s methods and conclusions and claims that all documents regarding the partnership, which may or may not has existed, were destroyed during the war.

“It’s clear that Linux is hopelessly fractured into disunity,” continued Ms. Millbright. “Endlosung Linux provides cohesion and focus. It [Endlosung Linux] is like a public ambulance for the incurable Java problem. We have fixed it once and now forever.”

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