Jacksonville, FL — Although millions of Florida’s finest have evacuated inland on warnings from both the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) and President Trump, one Jacksonville gator farmer George Reed Wambles took it upon himself to take care of what he called “the fake news media hysteria.”

“It was fake news anyway. I shot that Sonuvabitch dead as soon as she crossed my hog pond,” said Mr. Wambles awkwardly rubbing his belly as if he had just eaten the entire hurricane. “That’s how a Southern Man takes care of this CNN bullshit. Buddy, I got so much lead in the shed, more than enough to leave her dead. Well anyhow, that’s what we all say around here, but I done proved it.”

Many experts worried that Hurricane Dorian’s heavy rains could have caused an environmental disaster in Florida, where waste from overdevelopment, low-lying swamps, and other industrial sites could wash into homes and threaten drinking water supplies.

Computer models predict more than 3 feet of rain in the eastern part of the state, a fertile low-lying plain veined by brackish rivers with a propensity for escaping their banks. But that never was a concern for Mr. Wambles.

“Worry? About what?” Questioned a disgruntled Wambles. “All you elite city fellers are all the same. You make stories up on the TV. But we take matters into our own hands. When they told me I had to evacuate, I knew that it was just more fake news. All we need down here is some cold beer and our shotguns. Why don’t you ask Hurricane Florence what she thinks about messin’ with us Southern folk? Oh, you can’t, because she died on the other side of my gator pond. You’re welcome.”

Authorities from the Federal Government are not sure how Mr. Wambles stopped the category 5 hurricane with just a shot-gun, but they’ve taken him into custody for questioning.

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