San Diego, CA — In a tragic attack, satire/fake news writer Cleveland Sam was hit by an SUV driven by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The attack came at a local 7/11 where, after purchasing a grape Slurpee, Clinton saw Cleveland Sam and recognized his green cape. In a moment of rage over his articles about her, she ran him over in the parking lot.
Witnesses were horrified to see the former Presidential candidate in such a rage. Kate Lynom spoke to Gish Gallop following the attack.
“It was unreal. She was just feral and looked like she hadn’t bathed in weeks,” said Lynom. “Someone tied up in the backseat that looked like Bill Clinton.”
The FBI is investigating the attack calling it an “accident.” However, after watching video surveillance, they confirmed that Bill Clinton was tied up in the backseat of the Chevrolet Tahoe driven by Clinton. The SUV is identified by a bumper sticker on the back that reads, “I brake for electoral votes!”
Cleveland Sam was taken to a local San Diego Hospital, where he is recovering from the injuries he received in the attack. He has been harassed by voice mails left by Clinton taunting him after the attack.
The FBI released the transcript of the voicemail.
“Some fuckin’ superhero you are. You can’t avoid an old lady in a parking lot! I’m embarking on my national Fuck You Tour! All the punk asses like you will suffer my wrath. You should wear pink from now on, you pussy!”
Clinton has been angered by “fake news” released by satirical publications. For example, Cleveland Sam released a story, “5 million Uncounted Sanders Votes Found On Clinton Server.” This was confirmed by the famous George Soros-sponsored debunking site Snopes.com as false, though funny.
The FBI is actively searching for Clinton. However, her whereabouts are currently unknown.