Charlotte, NC — Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham-Clinton was found dead in her hotel room at 6:05 pm by her security team members. The unofficial cause of death is suicide. However, no additional details were available about the methods. Clinton, 68, was in a close race with Republican Donald Trump for the Presidency and was under increasing attacks by both adversaries and even those in her party for her lack of transparency.

According to Clinton campaign aide Alexandra Hicks,  Hillary had become worn-down and despondent over the last few weeks over the attacks.

“She hardly ever spoke to us, not even to swear at us or call us stupid,” said Alexandra. “She just stared at the floor and wrung her hands.”

According to a suicide note obtained by Gish Gallop from a confidential source, Hillary had started to think of herself as a threat to her campaign. She dealt with herself as she would any other threat to her success: self-murder. And by taking her own life, she removed any obstacles in her run-up to winning the White House.

Conspiracy theorists have attacked Clinton, saying that she has a body count of over 50 people that she has had killed. Those people were former aides, security, and business partners. They have all been deemed a threat to the Clinton family. Most had dirt on the Clintons and were due to testify before Congress about Clinton’s business dealings and email servers.

“We thank everyone for the outpouring of support,” said daughter Chelsea Clinton. “We will be planning a proper farewell as soon as my father returns from his Caribbean trip with Jeff Epstein.”

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.