New York, NY — In a somewhat startling announcement, former New York Senator and former 2016 Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton has converted to Scientologyâ„¢. The move, which has taken some but not all by surprise, was not hastily done according to sources inside her team..
“Hillary has considered ways she can ‘break free of the ‘past Hillary’,” said one campaign insider who chose to remain anonymous for fear of Scientology reprisals. “So she actually considered Buddhism and even Islam as well, but decided on Scientology after a few personally supervised auditing sessions with church leader and personal mentor David Miscavige.”
The move, which is not without its critics, is seen by some as a shrewd maneuver to harness both the power and insight of being a “clear,” but will also provide Ms. Clinton unprecedented access to numerous Hollywood personalities which are seen as key to her speech fund raising activities in the future.
“The Church is thrilled to have Hilary Clinton on board,” said an official Scientology press release. “But there is much work to do. That is why Ms. Clinton is on the OT fast track to clear as many body thetans as possible prior to the run up to the 2016 election. Mr. Miscavige is personally video-taping and overseeing her progress, which according to initial reports, has been remarkable. Hillary is an incredible human being despite her alien origins.”
According to members of her campaign team, Ms. Clinton is more energized than ever. Apparently the Scientology auditing focused her on the one thing that truly matters: raising money.
“After she returned from her intensive [auditing] sessions,” claimed a high-level Clinton Foundation official who preferred to be called ‘Jeff’, “she was focused on one thing. And that was raising as much money as she could. In fact that’s all she talks about.”
It is unclear at the time of this writing whether Ms. Clinton plans on implementing any of the Scientology practices after her loss in the election. Nor is it certain that she plans on appointing key Scientology officers into her Foundation team.
“Look,” continued ‘Jeff’, “we have not made announcements about her inevitable Presidency. All we can say is that she’s a new person. I have to tell you something. It’s like, Scientology is here to help. If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, things, the way they are, in all its glory, in all of its perplexity, and the more you know as a Scientologist, the more you become overwhelmed by it.”