R’lyeh/Cayman Islands — Following the recent announcement by the Amway Corporation that they have enlisted terrifying deity Cthulhu as Independent Business Owner (IBO), the American Multi-Level Marketing company Herbalife announced late Wednesday evening, Cayman Island Time (UTC-05:00), that they have signed “Outer God” and cosmic all-seer Yog-Sothoth as their official media spokesman.
“Yog-Sothoth knows all and sees all,” said Herbalife Director of Marketing Bethany Millbright. “All we have to do is please this deity, which will reap great market benefit for the Herbalife Company. We have a confident bet that he will charm TV, radio and Internet audiences with his vast and all-seeing wisdom. That is, after we come up with a few sacrafices from our distributor community.”
Herbalife was founded in 1980, and it employs around 7,400 people worldwide. The company distributes its products in 91 countries (as of November 2013) through a network of about 3.2 million independent distributors, some of whom earn profit on product sales and additional commission from a multi-level marketing (MLM) compensation structure. Herbalife’s products include protein shakes; protein snacks; nutrition, energy and fitness supplements; and personal care products.
“I was hoping for someone a little more down-to-Earth,” said local Herbalife distributor and mother of three Deborah Rowe. ” You know, like Zac Efron. But I have Faith that the Herbalife leadership knows what they’re doing. I just hope they choose another competitor for the human sacrifices.”
According to MLM industry analysts, the hiring of Yog-Sothoth by Herbalife represents another example of how the MLM firm is playing catch-up with Amway.
“Herbalife is a survivor in the MLM space,” said Yale University economics Professor James Badwater. “This is a shrewd move by the firm to get out in front of Cthulhu/Amway synergy. The only real downside to this new marriage is if Cthulhu destroys Earth before Herbalife has a chance to launch their media campaign. I’m sure that’s on their mind.”